Rishi Sunak unsure if homeless people should be classed as sentient beings

Rishi Sunak is now 68% confident that homeless people should not be classed as sentient beings who are deserving of human rights. Although he explained more research is needed before deciding whether they should be transported to Middlesborough where they could be kept at a safe distance from civilisation.

The prime minister fearlessly met a homeless person on Christmas Eve as part of his groundbreaking research project. Similar research has already concluded that disabled people should be classed as pigeons, working-class children are more closely related to goats, and gingers don't actually exist (cryptozoology is incredibly pervasive).

Rishi has likened his visit to a homeless shelter to approaching lions on the savannah (as opposed to entering parliament which is like joining rats in the sewer), but he said it was worth the risk because it provided him with a brilliant photo opportunity.

Rishi actually tried to feed one of the homeless people which was risky because it could've made it unafraid of humans and dependent on handouts. But Rishi had an important question to ask, one which would help establish whether homeless people are closer to humans or livestock on the evolutionary tree: he asked the homeless person if it worked in business.

This was a cunning question because Rishi has only ever encountered two types of human: those who work in government and those who bribe people who work in government. If the homeless person really was human, the overwhelming likelihood is that they would indeed work in business. Perhaps this person was just a hard-up analyst or consultant who had temporarily forgotten to pull themselves up by their bootstraps. Perhaps it was a Goldman Sachs banker who had lost their wallet and house keys. The scientific community was eagerly awaiting the answer.

Sadly the homeless person was ambiguous in its answer, stating it wouldn't mind a job in finance. Either way, this was scientifically interesting because it confirmed that homeless people are indeed capable of forming sentences. Not even dogs can do that. Or the Welsh. Bloody idiots.

Rishi said the findings were interesting, but he regretted not poking the homeless person with a knitting needle to establish whether it could feel pain. He said he wanted to but was fearful it might bite him. And that would've been horrible, wouldn't it? We wouldn't want the homeless person to catch rabies.

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend x