Saturday, 4 February 2023

Liz Truss planning leadership bid that absolutely no one asked for!

It's finally happening! The comeback that absolutely no one asked for! I'm so excited I could explode!

Yes, the Trussbot has actually been wheeled out of her cupboard at Tory HQ and restarted her Whatsapp group of ERG fucknuggets who so admirably destroyed the economy in September, leaving ordinary people on the brink of homelessness with unaffordable mortgages and energy bills, thanks to our 3,000% inflation rate! The world had not seen such an impressive economic plan since Robert Mugabe was in charge of Zimbabwe and people had to ditch their wallets for wheelbarrows.

Officially, the Trussbot hopes to lobby the Tory government for the same tax cuts that brought on the Truss-ocalypse (that's the technical term, I believe) and also start a war with China to keep people distracted from their frozen nether regions jangling like musical triangles while they live off store-brand baked beans and whatever out-of-date crap they could find on the discount shelf. 

But unofficially Liz is OBVIOUSLY planning a leadership challenge. I think I just peed myself!

Liz would like you to know she is highly concerned about China's human rights record as her party takes away your right to strike/protest and gives police who can't investigate Tories retrospectively the power to pre-emptively arrest you for crimes they expect you to commit (pre-crimes). Minority Report is here folks and let's be honest, no other party could have dragged the nation kicking and screaming into this mass-surveillance era in such an exciting fashion.

Although strong progress is being made, Liz is such a perfectionist, she is still concerned the UK is not moving into the hands of Earth-destroying mega-corporations quickly enough. Everyone knows libertarian post-apocalypses are more exciting than authoritarian dystopias and we really should be bringing the transition period forward. With this in mind, Liz will tomorrow outline where she believes Rishi Sunak is going wrong by failing to sufficiently exacerbate the catastrophic economic damage she has caused.

Worryingly though, her words will probably be disregarded by any lifeform with a brain more complex than a dust mite's, which includes about 4.5% of Tory voters. It is therefore imperative the Tories with the deepest pockets and simplest brains rally together to stave off the threat of humans who are vaguely self-aware and have the slightest sense of compassion.

If you thought the damage Liz caused to the UK economy was dramatic enough, just wait until you see the carnage she plans to inflict upon the wider world. Soon you'll be wading through radioactive ash below swirling green clouds as you hunt two-headed pigeons with a hand-crafted harpoon gun that you had no idea you were self-sufficient enough to make. It's amazing what you can achieve when motivated by nuclear famine.

Don't you worry about the people who matter though: the super-rich and their soulless propagandists will be just fine. I can confirm the Musk 1 Mars colony is almost ready and by the 2030s, we shall be leaving our shitshow behind in those Tesla spaceships that I hope are more reliable than the randomly exploding electric cars.

Before we get to nuclear war and Earth exodus though, Liz has plenty of poverty and torment planned for the hapless residents of the UK. For example, she would like to defy morality and reason by creating an even smaller state for the final 15 years of its existence (the Turd Reich). Yes, at a time when we're seeing 3,000 excess deaths a week in a collapsing NHS and Universal Credit claimants are pondering which child to sell to the circus to keep the British Gas bailiff at bay, Liz is demanding EVEN MORE CUTS!

Liz is deeply concerned about the tax burden for rich people while Shell accumulates more wealth than is held by several fire-breathing dragons and the cave where Aladdin found his lamp. Yes, it's corporate executives who are struggling right now and we should do whatever we can to ease their burden.

I understand Liz was even ruminating the possibility of a King Herod-style massacre of the innocents to stop fork-wielding northern populations from demanding more benefits. Her party has already killed off one-in-three care home residents and a ton of disabled people from the anti-growth coalition - children and the unemployed are the obvious next targets. Basically, any non-rich person who doesn't pay tax is in the firing line of the Trussbot's merciless laser eyes.

It's impressive that so many MPs still believe in Liz's laser-guided vision for the UK, given how she only lasted about a month and a half as prime minister, but these sociopaths that you twisted little weirdos elected are nothing if not committed. That resignation speech where Liz ummed like a five-year-old girl who was more lost than an Australian capsule of Caesium-137 has already been well and truly forgotten.

Personally, I think the Tories should reinstall the Trussbot's speech files and corrupted leadership program, make her prime minister again and call an immediate general election. I'm absolutely confident this will work out brilliantly x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x

Tuesday, 31 January 2023

Only major economy set to shrink in 2023 insists Brexit is going brilliantly

Brexit is going brilliantly, isn't it? Everyone's favourite vampire Jacob Rees-Mogg has confirmed it's going "swimmingly" and Rishi Sunak insists we are already seeing "significant benefits" which just happen to look exactly like Project Fear said they would. Brexit is going so well the UK is expected to be the only major economy to shrink in 2023 according to the IMF.   What's interesting is that Brexit is hurting the UK more than western sanctions are hurting Russia and this is what makes us better than them. We're not weak enough to allow other countries to destroy our economy with sanctions, we'd much rather do it to ourselves.

Brexit is going brilliantly, isn't it? Everyone's favourite vampire Jacob Rees-Mogg has confirmed it's going "swimmingly", Tim Martin has announced he's closing 40 Wetherspoons pubs and Rishi Sunak insists we are already seeing "significant benefits" which just happen to look exactly like Project Fear said they would. 

For example, "cheaper food prices after Brexit" quickly became a 16.7% increase and "unleash Britain's potential" quickly became £100 billion a year lost from the economy! Brexit is going so well, the UK is expected to be the only major economy to shrink in 2023 according to the IMF.

Post-Brexit Britain is a thriving place of -0.6% growth where every worker is standing on a picket line because they object to abject poverty, and morgues are so full, we're just waiting for the dead to rise and seek their vengeance. However, I understand the DWP is ready to rule them fit for work and force those lazy bastards to break the strikes. Personally, I think zombies teaching in schools would be a brilliant idea...

So yeah, those Brexit opportunities just keep coming. Former Tory donor Guy Hands is certainly a Brexit fan: 

"It’s been a complete disaster. The reality is it’s been a lose-lose situation for us and Europe. Europe has lost more but we’ve lost as well. And the reality of Brexit was, it was just a bunch of complete and total lies.

"The biggest issue about it, and you can take the Brexit bus as a good example, is the lies that Boris Johnson and the Conservative Party told about the NHS. In fact what they did was throw the country and the NHS under the bus."

So Guy is definitely still a believer then and so he should be. Brexit is going so well that 43% of the public still support it, which is my preferred way of saying 57% wish to rejoin the EU and they don't count! What matters is the will of the people who think like me. 

What's particularly interesting is that Brexit is hurting the UK more than western sanctions are hurting Russia and this is what makes us better than them. We are not weak enough to allow other countries to destroy our economy with sanctions, we would much rather do it to ourselves!

Speaking of Russia, Boris Johnson claims Putin threatened him with a missile strike before changing his mind to the dismay of everyone in the UK. However, it's implausible that Putin threatened to nuke Johnson because he's spent too much money bribing Tories and getting his mates into the House of Lords to throw it all away now. Johnson is one of Putin's key investments and this makes him one of the safest politicians on Earth... until he's served his purpose.

This may shock you, but it looks like double agent Johnson was lying again to mask his undercover activities and this was totally unexpected. We had gone literally weeks without hearing a Johnson lie, although to be fair, that's just because we'd not heard him say anything. And then the moment we did hear him say something, he came out with this:

Honestly, I'm so confused I don't even know how to spin this one. Perhaps it's one of those 4-d chess moves I'm too simple to understand...

Anyways, Brexit is achieving its goals so well that Guy Verhofstadt said Putin might not have invaded Ukraine without it, which is interesting because I thought lefties were supposed to be the Putin enablers. It's so exhausting constantly flipping between Russia/the EU being our enemy/friend, but what matters is Putin pays well and you don't want to know what kompromat he has. The footage of Johnson pissing himself while wearing spandex like Dafydd from Little Britain is still giving me nightmares!

As you can imagine, Vladimir is thrilled the UK's total trade as a percentage of GDP is lagging behind the G7 and we are short of 330,000 workers. That thing I said about our economic woes being self-inflicted might not be entirely true because our biggest decisions appear to have come from the Siberian Military District (a region as cold as Suella Braverman's heart).

There could be problems ahead for Putin though because his assets in the UK are not exactly performing as expected. Thanks to public pressure from wokerati do-gooders, Rishi Sunak has been forced to sack every government minister who has exploited tax loopholes, including himself. This means we don't have a functioning government anymore or even high-ranking officials prone to bribery and this situation is unusual for the UK.

What makes it particularly tragic is we only had Brexit so we could avoid paying taxes and now that's becoming almost impossible. Rishi even sacked King Charles after he inherited land worth £650 million and decided not to pay his inheritance tax. Presumably this means we no longer have an unelected head of state, unless I've misinterpreted what's happening which seems highly unlikely.

Personally, I'm appalled at everything that I've not bothered to double-check because I overheard Fiona Bruce and Emily Maitlis gossiping in the work canteen - and I'm extremely adept at jumping to conclusions.

Everyone knows the people who are least willing to pay their taxes are the most patriotic and Rishi Sunak is so patriotic, he allegedly owned £380 million of shares in Moderna (via Theleme Partners) when he purchased their vaccine as chancellor. No wonder the UK has plunged to its lowest-ever position in the Corruption Perceptions Index!

Rishi won't say if he's still connected to Theleme Partners - the investment firm he co-founded, just like Johnson won't say if he's still connected to Russian oligarchs, but I hope Rishi made a few quid out of this dodgy deal because otherwise he might have to use a food bank.

In all seriousness, we need to stop holding our politicians to account for their dual loyalties and unbridled corruption. I mean who is going to build those 49 new hospitals the Tories said were drawn up and ready to go? One of Rishi's last acts before firing himself was to insist our bedrooms become hospital wards and I don't remember reading this on the side of the Brexit bus.

What could go wrong in this desolate country where crumbling roads lead to leaky terraces, and mould crawls up walls like it's not the landlord's job to make your homes even vaguely habitable? Hospital was a place where you could recuperate from the trauma of living at home; soon it will be the place where minor injuries get infected with the Cordyceps fungus.

Now I might be a superstar TV host, but even my bedroom is a bloody tip and I'd rather not have nurses visiting the next time I get drunk and break my leg falling down the BBC steps as I finish work. Okay, you can stop judging me now, it's only happened twice and I'd prefer it didn't happen a third time, thank you!

If I'm out of action, they might give my job to a real journalist like Susanna Reid who called out Matt Hancock's Covid lies and lockdown breaches on Good Morning Britain. Let's be honest, Matt has caused more death and destruction in the UK than Putin could ever dream of causing. Personally, I'm glad he got his I'm a Celeb money as a reward, but Susanna was not so sympathetic.

She brutally pointed out that Matt wasn't a metre away from Gina during lockdown, prompting Matt to explain he's been through it "endlessly" and that he's not sure what the lockdown rules were at the time. Susanna highlighted the absurd contradiction as Matt squirmed like he always squirms when he's interviewed by a woman and gets a nervous boner.

Susanna offered a painful reminder that journalism can be done in this country and Tories can be held to account, but she won't be so smug when she's sitting beside Carol Vorderman on the next flight to Rwanda, will she? What do you mean Rwanda would be an upgrade from post-Brexit Britain? All this "journalism" has clearly been rotting your brains!

Thankfully, we have heroes like Nadhim Zahawi who has refused to resign as an MP so he can raise concerns about "media conduct" after journalists had the nerve to scrutinise his tax affairs. If we've learnt one thing from this sorry mess, it's that politicians should not be scrutinised because that's how we find out they're all traitors and crooks. And we would be much better off living in denial until the day nukes conclude the Tory-Brexit apocalypse.

Truly this is what it means for this wretched island to "take back control". I don't know about you, but I for one am loving all of this Sovereign Tea x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x

Sunday, 29 January 2023

Nadhim Zahawi to be appointed as government's ethics adviser

Following the disgraceful witch hunt against Nadhim Zahawi by journalists who weaponised the truth, and Carol Vorderman who crushed him like a bug on Twitter, the prime minister is finally addressing the situation. A number 10 source (Larry the cat) has told me that Nadhim will be appointed as the government's new ethics adviser at some point in the next two weeks, just as soon as this tax thing has blown over.

When Nadhim takes on his new role, first on the agenda will be upgrading our libel laws to ensure leftie journalists shut the fuck up and Carol Vorderman gets on the first plane to Rwanda. As an added precaution, I understand desperate calls have been made to Elon Musk to get Vorders' Twitter account permanently taken away from her. Meanwhile, Nadine Dorries has got dibs on her six boyfriends because she's fed up with drinking by herself.

Poor Rishi was forced to sack Nadhim for twice breaching the Ministerial Code by lying about using his parents to help him dodge tax in Gibraltar. As every good Tory knows, what Nadhim should have done is let his wife take advantage of non-dom status so he could avoid paying taxes the respectable way.

Having said that, it seems deeply unfortunate that Nadhim was caught out on such a minor technicality as using the wrong family members to break the law. I honestly thought it was understood that laws did not apply to people who recently almost became prime minister, but the woke mob have made accountability trendy for some reason. Perhaps Nadhim needs to eat a kangaroo's dick on national TV before he can earn their forgiveness.

In his resignation letter, Nadhim was quick to explain how much he loves this country because his tax dodging was entirely patriotic, and if it wasn't for those meddling journalists demanding truth and accountability, he would still be Tory Party chair.

Insufferable lefties have pointed out that Nadhim did not apologise in his resignation letter, but it's abundantly clear that he's very sorry he got caught and that's what matters. Nadhim clarified there is no point in paying taxes because the government would only waste the money on trips to Ukraine for Zelensky's number one stalker Boris Johnson. I think this is a perfectly valid point.

If Nadhim has made one mistake, it's pointing out that he arrived in the UK fleeing persecution and speaking no English, prompting Suella Braverman to demand an inquiry into how he slipped through the net. Steam could be seen coming from her ears when she was told he didn't take refuge in the nearest safe country and she still couldn't deport him.

Nadhim knows what it's like to live in a dangerous hell hole where poverty is rife, public services are non-existent, children go hungry, the government cracks down on human rights and officials are utterly corrupt, having lived in the UK for the past 46 years. Prior to that, he was living in Baghdad where danger hangs in the air like the aroma from a Thérèse Coffey sewage discharge. It remains unclear why he was allowed to come from a bad situation into a worse one.

This oversight has prompted the Home Office to release a statement in which they clarify it's highly illegal for foreigners who can't speak English to come to the UK, fleeing persecution. There is now concern that Braverman could get Zahawi's appointment as ethics adviser blocked because while tax dodging is patriotic, being a refugee is completely unethical x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x

Friday, 27 January 2023

Tories vote to save proud British tradition of turds on beaches

You will be relieved to hear the government has resisted pressure from leftie fascists and voted to continue dumping turds on our glorious beaches for the next 15 years. Thank god. This was one of the Tories' key manifesto pledges and I was so worried they were going to buckle on this one like they buckled on Nadhim Zahawi's totally accidental tax dodging.

Turd dumping is up there with tea drinking, ripping fox cubs to pieces, and talking loudly at foreigners who speak perfect English as one of the UK's favourite pastimes, and those leftie bastards want to ban it because of something called the "environment". 

Is nothing sacred anymore? Next they'll be telling us we have to spoil our unlit shitlands with wind farms and solar panels and... and... fresh air.

I don't know about you, but when I'm strolling past mountains of shit and enjoying a symphony of buzzing bluebottles and choking asthmatics, the last thing I want to see are the sapphire sheen of photovoltaic panels and the majestic spinning arms of wind turbines signalling to the world we are cleaning up our act and creating a habitable world for children who don't even pay taxes. 

Bring back iron lungs is what I say. If it was good enough for kids in my day (when not a single person used the iron lung) then it's certainly good enough for the kids of today. These whiny snowflakes have never been toughened up by a good bout of polio and it shows.

Among those who voted to save one of our finest traditions was Jonathan Gullis, the hero who yelled in parliament that refugee children shouldn't come to the UK if they don't want to be kidnapped by criminal gangs. So as you can see, a man of impeccable judgment and integrity. The type of politician only the most committed of psychopaths could vote for.

One of the benefits of the turd dumping policy is that it has stopped trendy weirdos from disturbing our three-eyed fish and seals with tentacles by windsurfing along our radioactive coastline. A windsurfer called Sarah told the BBC she has relocated to Tenerife because swallowing brown sludge when she falls off her windsurfing board is too good for her, apparently. Good riddance is what I say.

You might be concerned that the turd dumping policy will only last 15 years, but I would like to assure you that all of the dinosaurs who voted for this policy will be extinct by 2038 and so will you, because the world will be hotter than a kitchen cupboard in Sedgefield and as barren as a bikini-clad Maya Jama strolling into the Love Island villa, although I might have that the wrong way around.

The 2037 climate apocalypse is sadly unavoidable thanks to leftie conspiracy theorists failing to adequately warn us about the consequences of our anti-scientific and utterly self-absorbed behaviours, leaving us just a decade and a half to get as rich as possible through the exploitation of human misery and sheer disregard for the planet that provides the very air we breathe. Personally, I look forward to being drowned by the melting of our urine-tinged ice caps.

The last 15 years of the UK shall be known as the Turd Reich x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x

Wednesday, 25 January 2023

Bullying probe dropped after Raab puts Sunak's head down toilet

You will be relieved to hear the accusations of bullying against Dominic Raab from 24 civil servants have been sensationally dropped after it was discovered they were part of a lefty witch hunt, led by that despicable bastard Jeremy Corbyn.

(I can confirm we span the Tory Blame Wheel™ and it landed on Corbyn this time, much to the relief of Prince Harry, refugees and people on Universal Credit.)

It was alleged that government staff had been left physically sick before meetings with Raab, regularly breaking into tears and even feeling suicidal. 

These complaints had been ongoing for the past five years, shortly after Dominic arrived in the UK through a time portal and walked naked into a bar where he borrowed a helpful man's clothing and motorbike. Thankfully, the Tory Party has waited until now to address the matter because it's not like the allegations were serious or anything.

Anyways, I caught up with James Cleverly earlier, who has some sort of role in government, I can't remember what exactly, and he explained the sequence of events which led to the investigation into the Raabinator being dropped. Let me tell you, it's powerful stuff.

"The scene was harrowing. We were standing in a corridor, leaving a confused Jeremy Hunt in a conference room by himself because we were avoiding him like we always do, casually enjoying some cheese and wine, talking about the important stuff like when Molly-Mae's baby is going to arrive and how we can inflict more misery and suffering on the Welsh when Dominic Raab came marching along the corridor like he was on a mission to kill John Connor. We just froze as this terrifying robotic menace marched towards us with a face as cold as a pensioner's living room and as menacing as Nadine Dorries when she's not had her meds and someone says the words 'Channel Four'.

"We knew it was pointless trying to outrun such an unstoppable machine because we were drunk and it's not like any of us could be considered athletic. Dominic mechanically lifted his arm and to everyone's relief, his outreached hand grabbed the throat of the prime minister. Thank god he wasn't going after anyone important, I thought to myself as a hapless Rishi was dragged into the bathroom with his limbs flailing.

"For three long minutes, we waited outside and I pressed my ear against the door because I didn't want to miss anything, but all I could hear was the toilet flushing over and over again. It was grim. At least the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay were waterboarded in a dignified manner, but not our prime minister, he suffered the indignity of a flushing in Michael Gove's cocaine den.

"The flushing mercifully fell silent and I quickly pulled my ear from the door, just before the Raabinator emerged from the bathroom and marched away as devoid of emotion as Thérèse Coffey when a working-class child tells her her stomach hurts.

"Shortly behind Dominic, the prime minister emerged, dripping wet like Suella Braverman when she hears the screams of a Syrian refugee in her secret torture dungeon, but not that aroused obviously.

"Are, are you okay? I asked.

"'Um, uh, we need to drop the bullying investigation into Dominic,' Rishi said as toilet water dripped from his hair. 'The complaints against him are totally false and if this investigation continues, we risk the full wrath of SkyNet.'

"'Fuck', I said. 'SkyNet is one of the biggest Tory donors. We can't risk losing them, but we need to make it look like we're doing something, otherwise the public will maul us, and they're still mad about the tax loopholes we created for Nadhim and Akshata.'

"'Just blame everything on Jeremy Corbyn,' Rishi said. 'We've used the Meghan and Vlad excuses too many times recently.'

"So yeah, this was the story of how Dominic Raab was completely and utterly exonerated of bullying. I for one am glad we can finally put the matter to bed."

As I said before, truly powerful stuff from James Cleverly there. Given everything we've just heard, we urgently need an investigation into the behaviour of Mick Lynch. Sorry, that would be, er, Jeremy Corbyn. It's hard to keep track of the decisions of this Tory Blame Wheel™.

Anyways, in other news, the government has announced the opening of an exciting research project into the development of an artificial neural-network-based super-intelligence as well as the opening of several cybernetics manufacturing plants in Burnley and the execution of every teenager in the UK named John x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x

Tuesday, 24 January 2023

Chief Brexiter Tim Martin closing his pubs because of Brexit

If you're wondering what that faint, heart-rending sound is, that almost musical murmuring that's so quiet, you're unsure if you're even hearing it, well, it's not the song of a faerie at the bottom of your garden, nestled among the rotting leaves and the turd gifted by your neighbour's cat, nor is it a ringing in your ears because you haven't cleaned out the wax for ages. It's actually the sound of the world's smallest violin - a violin that is sub-atomic in scale. 

Wow, your ears must be extremely sensitive, given how badly they need a cotton wool bud!

The reason this barely audible violin is tugging so powerfully on your heartstrings and stirring emotions you did not think you could feel in this cold and barren capitalist era is because of shocking news that has emerged about the 1980s TV icon who played Lion-O in Thundercats before becoming a fabled wealth creator and anti-philanthropist, Tim Martin.

Now you're going to have to sit down for this one, but the man who sold Brexit to a gullible nation so eloquently, proudly shitting on his own workforce so he could climb to those unlit shitlands where employment laws are not a thing and hairdressers will tell you that your 1980s haircut, which looked terrible even back then, actually looks trendy today, well, that man has found himself in the unforeseen situation where he is having to close 40 of his Wetherspoons pubs down, thanks to... to... I can't even say it... fucking Brexit!

Wait... who just said this is the first benefit of Brexit? I can't believe you people can be so insensitive! I hate you all so much...

Brexit was supposed to be wonderful for its tax-averse architects who weren't meant to suffer the brutal consequences they had intended for their workforce. Poor people were supposed to get poorer, not rich people!

Sadly, the dark forces of Brexit have taken even the most evil of masterminds by surprise and are now remorselessly consuming everything in sight, even ageing TV stars with magic swords. Not even the greatest of wealth creators are able to create enough wealth to solve this problem which is turning the green and pleasant land rich people occupy into a hellscape as decrepit as the hellscape they forged for the rest of you.

Sadly, Tim has discovered the hard way that trickledown economics doesn't work so well when you get your thing stuck in your zip and piss down your own leg while screaming in agony. Poor bloke now has to walk around with wet trousers in so much pain that he's terrified of peeing again, and yes, he fucking stinks.

I know this because I was unfortunate enough to catch up with Tim earlier, and because I'm still pretending to be a journalist, I asked him important questions, such as whether he has tried pulling himself up by his bootstraps (I don't even know what bootstraps are but I still asked) or whether he has cancelled Netflix and stopped going to Starbucks and started making his own packed lunches and I even asked if he'd considered cutting his hair! 

Astonishingly, Tim got really mad and suggested these are "incredibly stupid questions" and "only a complete idiot" would think they were "sensible measures" to solve a "cash flow problem". He then explained "Brexit has fucked everything" so badly that he is not making enough money to avoid paying taxes, before insisting "it's the EU's fault" he peed down his leg. He also said the government needs to welcome more of the EU workers he wanted to get rid of, because that thing he demanded caused worker shortages.

I can't believe Tim questioned my journalistic wisdom, but in his defence (I don't know why I'm defending him when he said Robert Peston was a better journalist than me), he has made some brilliant business moves over the years, such as taking advantage of the government's furlough scheme during the pandemic, only to lay off his workers anyway. 

Tim even refused to pay his workers a penny at one point and advised them to go and work at Tesco if they didn't like it! He later identified Tesco and taxes as two of the key reasons that his amazing Wetherspoons business is failing. Honestly, I've met garden snails with more self-awareness, but it's a strange fact of life that sometimes really stupid people are successful at business. 

It's just that Tim is not even successful at business anymore, which only leaves the stupid part. He is a snail without a shell, a wealth creator who can't create any wealth, and that makes him about as useful as a porn star who suffers from impotence and pees down his own leg x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x

Sunday, 22 January 2023

PM warns if he tackles corruption, he'll have no cabinet left

Someone called Rishi Sunak (I think he's our prime minister or something, but we've had so many this year, I'm not sure) has explained he is sadly unable to remove corrupt MPs from the cabinet because if he did that, he'd have no cabinet left. Perish the thought.

Now I might not know much about my fans (because I don't pay a blind bit of attention to you!) but I'm absolutely certain you'd all be devastated if there was no Tory cabinet. Crestfallen would be the most suitable word I think.

Without a Tory cabinet, the sewage dumping sector would likely collapse, hedge fund managers might have to get real jobs, inflation would probably be lower than 112% and poor kids wouldn't be pleadingly holding up empty bowls at school like a scene from Oliver. You understand Rishi's dilemma.

The prime minister is under incredible pressure, due to the imaginary problems caused by woke-ism and the actual problems caused by his party's chairman. Right now, his leadership is about as credible as Ghislaine Maxwell testifying for Prince Andrew that the Virginia Giuffre photo was faked. 

I understand Rishi considered sacking Nadhim Zahawi earlier today, but when he mentioned this to Nadhim, Nadhim said "no", so Rishi just shrugged and sheepishly walked away. Yes, this really happened! Robert Peston saw it with his own eyes. He said it was really embarrassing.

Not gonna lie, I'm jealous I wasn't there, but I was too busy sucking up to Rachel Johnson because her brother has a spare £800,000 at the moment (presuming he hasn't blown it all on prostitutes and birthday cakes) and I'm hoping to get back into his good books. He might buy me some new shoes if I'm lucky, but enough about me and my love life.

I'm assuming you're only here because you want the latest Downing Street gossip, so get this: failed reality TV star Matt Hancock (remember him?) met with representatives of a dodgy US tech firm, offering them your private information, Covid test results, and if I have this right, your internet browsing history. What? Why are you looking so nervous?

Unfortunately, Matt had no way of accessing your internet browsing history because he's shit with computers so his £480 million deal fell through, but at least he tried and that's what's important.

This is what I love about capitalism. Everything is for sale, even things that don't belong to you, that you have absolutely no right to sell! If you can get away with it, do it! Just don't be a gullible bloody idiot like Matt "boner" Hancock, a man so tactful he conducts his affairs in front of CCTV cameras controlled by his political enemies. 

I dread to think what the Russians have got on Matt. Absolute dipshit.

Speaking of Russians: you will be relieved to hear the government is still trying to cover up Putin's role in the 2016 Brexit referendum. Just remember, if anyone criticises the government, they are the ones who are helping Putin. This makes total sense so switch your little brains off and stop asking questions about our perfectly functioning democracy.

I forgot to say earlier, but just to let you know, for legal reasons that I don't understand, Nadhim is still saying his tax dodging was "careless rather than intentional", even though only 1.1% of my followers believe him, according to a Twitter poll I did (I'm very tech savvy and you lot are cynical). Nadhim also explained that when he used lawfare to intimidate journalists who were talking about him, this was "careless but not unintentional" and he will sue anyone who suggests otherwise. You have been warned.

If a single mother accidentally claimed £20 million in Universal Credit, Daily Mail readers would be outside her council flat with pitch forks and the Tax Payers' Alliance would be demanding a return of workhouses, but fortunately, Nadhim is far less important than a single mother so he is held to a much lower standard.

Remember, it's important we preserve this government because it keeps coming up with brilliant ideas that Labour couldn't come up with like fining people for missing doctor's appointments, meaning the poor get punished twice for the government's crap public transport system. 

The government is even talking about charging money for using Accident and Emergency which is already paid for through taxation. Aren't these double punishments for poor people brilliant?

If you're one of those poor people though, you can console yourself with the fact King Sausage Fingers is planning an "inclusive coronation" this year. I'm sure you'll feel included when you're paying for the billionaire to have a party you're not invited to that, let's be honest, is going to be boring and full of weirdos that no normal person would want to be around. Just wait until you find out how much Charles' diamond-encrusted party hat is worth!

If we're brilliant at doing one thing in this country it's "pomp" (whatever the hell that means). If we're brilliant at doing another thing, it's giving money to wealthy people for absolutely no reason.

For example, if I have this right, we gave Zelensky botherer Boris Johnson an £800,000 loan for no reason, other than he wanted to buy some gourmet takeaways, and this loan was secured with the help of a guy who was made BBC chairman a week later as a reward. You will be pleased to know I invited Boris' sister onto my TV show to explain there is definitely nothing to see here while I nodded along. I'm so good at scrutinising the rich and powerful!

By the way, in case you didn't know, my TV show is called Laura Kuenssberg because that's my name and I wanted everyone to know it because I want to be famous. You should watch it on Sundays when you're hungover because it's brilliant and my nasal voice definitely won't make your headache worse because my performances are first-class. 

I'm so convincing, half the Tory dipshits in the country have convinced themselves I'm a real journalist. Can you believe that? x

In Nadhim's defence (and so he doesn't sue me), I must say he is one of the least corrupt members of the cabinet, which contains at least six murderers, as well as Leaky Sue, professional sewage discharger Thérèse Coffey and a bunch of people I've never heard of but look well dodgy in their pictures on the official parliament website. Do. Not. Visit. That. Place! Honestly, you'll have nightmares.

Anyways, if we sacked Nadhim for what he's done, then to be consistent, we'd have to put Suella Braverman into a giant cannon and fire her into Thérèse Coffey and I dread to think what horrors would be unleashed in the ensuing explosion. What if the fragments turn into mini-Thérèses that grow until they are Thérèse-sized and Thérèse ends up with an army of clones that crush everything in their path? I think this scenario is plausible and I seriously don't want to find myself in that horror movie so I'm staying quiet. Holding Tories to account is a dangerous business, folks.

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x

Thursday, 19 January 2023

Inflation now so bad 30p Lee has been renamed 42p Lee

I must interrupt your late-night drinking session to bring you breaking news several hours behind every other journalist in the country. Just give me a few seconds to down this bottle of wine and wipe my mouth with my sleeve... Okay, that's better.

So you've probably heard the news by now. Yes, the laziest members of our society, those non-stop drains on our nation's finances who are motivated only by insatiable greed and pathological cruelty are going on strike on 6th February.

No, not the Tories, you idiots! Jeez, you insufferable lefties can stop cheering now. Please calm down! I was actually talking about those dreadful nurses and paramedics who are preparing the biggest-ever NHS strike. Good grief!

The government has rightly pointed out that giving in to workers' demands would mean billions of pounds less cash for the NHS that it wasn't going to invest in frontline services anyway. 

As a person who will never need an ambulance and doesn't want other people to have that option, I feel it makes perfect sense to keep staff wages as low as possible. I honestly thought that's why we were clapping for them a while back. I thought it was instead of money. Seriously, I want my claps back.

Apparently, those spoilt NHS brats are whining about inflation and "PTSD" and complaining they can't pay their utility bills like that's my problem. Do they not understand inflation is hitting everyone hard?

For example, 30p Lee has been impacted so badly, he's been renamed 42p Lee, but do you see him going on strike? No! Poor Lee is scraping by with his £84,144 salary and £185,916.95 expenses. This means Lee can only afford 526,803 of his 42p meals this year. You lot don't understand poverty like Lee understands poverty and here's the proof:

Lee's Helpful Meal Plan

Breakfast - 1 and a half wheat biscuits (store brand, water)

Dinner - stew (small serving)

Tea - 1 and a half wheat biscuits or stew (small serving)

Supper - half a packet of crisps

World-renowned nutritionist 42p Lee explained his Helpful Meal Plan sadly became necessary when workers became shit at budgeting sometime around 2010 for reasons unknown. Personally, I blame the woke mind virus because I'm pretty sure Meghan Markle wasn't a thing back then. 

42p Lee proved beyond doubt that food bank users are going hungry because they're stupid by introducing us to Katy - a lovely young lady who is fortunate enough to be employed by Lee and too afraid to blink that she desperately needs to be rescued.

Like all good employers, Lee shared Katy's image, salary and personal details with the world so he could take a massive shit on ordinary workers. The last time we saw a sewage discharge on this scale, Thérèse Coffey was environment secretary (no idea if she still is) and three-eyed fish were washing up on lake shores.

Lee explained that Katy is single and earns less than £30k, rents a room for £775pcm in central London, has student debt, spends £120 a month on travelling to work, saves money every month, goes on foreign holidays and does not need to use a food bank.

It's beside the point that Katy is the daughter of Brigadier David Colthup CBE and alumnus of the £20k a term St Peter's School in York. As well as having wealthy parents, Katy does not have children herself, meaning she's fortunate enough that she can rent a room, rather than an actual house, and does not have the burden of childcare costs. 

Obviously, this proves that Katy is excellent at budgeting, and if you - a poor person with a family - eat from a foodbank, it's because you are an idiot. Now go and buy yourself some 30p meals for 42p and stop whining! You seriously need to look up to those who are better at managing finances than you like Lee Anderson, Kwasi Kwarteng, or Nadhim Zahawi perhaps.

Do you ever see Nadhim eating from food banks? No, because they don't serve lobster, and anyway, his money management skills are so advanced, he can pay accountants to teach him how to take advantage of offshore tax havens. 

I understand 42p Lee walked into his local food bank yesterday to help out and yelled at everyone who wasn't exploiting Gibraltar's lenient tax rules. Damn leeches. Imagine being so lazy, you haven't bothered discussing hiding your shares in Gibraltar with your accountant to stay one step ahead of HMRC.

Now if you haven't taken the above steps because you're worried about the "legality", rather than because you're lazy, remember you have a get-out-of-jail-free card. If you get caught, just tell the authorities you're a soulless Tory parasite and they will cut you a deal!

For example, you can settle the outstanding tax bill at a 70% discount, or with any luck, you can get off scot-free by saying you had a "brief error of judgement" like Rishi Sunak when he's not wearing a seatbelt. Or Boris Johnson when Carrie catches him shagging a waitress in the restaurant toilet.

The point is we should listen to the people in charge of the country because they know how to properly manage finances. This is why they are spending more money on contingency measures than they would have spent on agreeing to striking workers' demands. They're costing the taxpayer more money and keeping the workers poorer out of pure, unadulterated spite, and if that's not economic expertise, I don't know what is.

The prime minister has explained in the strongest terms, he can't afford the needed £3.6 billion a year (which is really £1.8 billion a year) because Liz Truss spent that money 17 times (34 times) over when she got pissed with Kwasi Kwarteng one crazy weekend last year. She's such a party animal!

Lefty troublemakers on Twitter have pointed out, Rishi could save £3.2 billion a year by scrapping the non-dom tax avoidance scheme used by the super-rich, but I understand Akshata has told him "Don't you fucking dare!"

Sadly 55 NHS trusts are refusing to take the government's pure, unadulterated spite lying down so it looks like a war of attrition is coming, or is that a war of malnutrition? I guess it depends on whether or not workers are willing to follow Lee's Helpful Meal Plan.

As we brace ourselves for the biggest-ever NHS strike, you will be relieved to hear that 42p Lee has taken a break from Twitter because he's done everything he can to help the poor and it's "too full of snowflakes" for his liking anyway. Perhaps this means Jack Monroe is pursuing him for libel again. Who knows? x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x

Monday, 16 January 2023

Nadhim Zahawi not going to jail because he is a Tory

First of all, it's snowing today and the UK is like a beautiful winter wonderland. Okay, perhaps it's not beautiful where you are (especially if you live in Burnley), but it's beautiful where I am and given I'm a journalist in the most mainstream of media, where I am is the only place that counts. So yeah, it's looking pretty outside today, but I'm not gonna lie, I'm freezing my arse off here. 

Anyways, I'm courageously braving these wintry conditions because I have a story to tell you and it's a doozy because it covers the former Chancellor's totally legit tax affairs. Nadhim Zahawi is currently our Minister without Portfolio and this is honestly not because everyone thinks he's an untrustworthy fucknugget who couldn't be left alone with a pair of scissors, let alone a real ministerial role.

Nadhim has finally agreed to pay HMRC millions of pounds in unpaid tax, following an investigation by the National Crime Agency that I uncovered last year in my role as super-journalist, but completely ignored because I was hoping he would get away with everything. 

Nadhim sold shares worth £20 million in 2018 to an unknown recipient in a perfectly normal manner and should not have paid £3.7 million in capital gains tax. This is because capital gains tax is for losers.

The controversy comes from Nadhim's involvement with Gibralta-based Balshore Investments which was registered in a tax haven for the purpose of holding Nadhim's shares in YouGov, the polling company that he did not set up to shape public opinion. Incidentally, the latest YouGov poll shows that 126% of the public knows this is a massive witch hunt and poor Nadhim is even more persecuted than Andrew Tate. The Matrix just won't stop sending its agents!

Nadhim had previously claimed he was not a beneficiary of Balshore Investments, but he has since explained this was a perfectly honest lie that any tax-dodging sociopath could make. For example, Boris Becker failed to declare £2.5 million in overseas assets and all that happened to him was, um... two secs, I'll go and check... Bollocks, it looks like Becker went to prison for two and a half years. Just forget I said anything because this country is full of snitches.

Traitors in the Cabinet Office's ethics team actually flagged Nadhim to Boris Johnson a while back, but being the moral vacuum he is, Johnson promoted him anyway! This was definitely the smartest move since Johnson promoted a known sex offender and it shows that he always surrounded himself with the finest people. I just don't understand how things turned out so badly.

Perhaps the most surprising aspect of this saga is how Nadhim has always shown such impeccable judgement when it comes to money matters. For example, he recently told the Labour Party it should hand back donations from Unite the union because political parties should only take money from evil mega-corporations. Plus, he threw his weight behind Liz Truss after he dropped out of the Tory leadership contest with only 26 votes and that worked out brilliantly, didn't it?

Sadly, the anti-growth coalition is doing everything it can to besmirch the character of this fine man, but I'm simply not going to let this stand. Let's not forget that Nadhim is such an animal lover that he selflessly spent tens of thousands of pounds warming up his stables to keep his horses warm during the winter. And the summer. 

Okay, that was your money he was spending, but remember, you can't even afford to pay your own heating bill at the moment. I'm not making this any better, am I? Still, at least Nadhim boasts the proud record of being the only refugee in the UK that Suella Braverman has not tried to send to Rwanda and this is because he is just as unspeakably evil as she is, meaning she grudgingly admires him.

It's important to know that Nadhim is protesting his innocence and the best way to confirm your innocence when you're accused of stealing is to repay all the money you never stole. Millions of pounds of it. 

Given his innocence, you will be relieved that Nadhim is not going to jail because the Chancellor who was in charge of the UK's taxes during the investigation into his tax affairs decided not to prosecute. The fact Nadhim was that Chancellor is neither here nor there. And it's not like he did something really serious like overclaiming a fiver in Universal Credit. That would've been terrible x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x

Thursday, 12 January 2023

Idiots agree Richard Madeley is right about everything

Every society needs its hero and finally we have found ours.  Step forward Richard Madeley.  Fake tan enthusiast.  Fireproof hair-piece wearer.   Hater of ordinary workers.  Master of self-awareness.  As one of the hardest-working and most self-sacrificing individuals of recent decades, Richard has garnered attention by courageously castigating those lazy union types who will never know the struggle of a cushy studio job with a six-figure salary that can still pay the average heating bill. Richard's recent TV performances have been on a par with history's great orators, demonstrating sage-like wisdom with a gravitas and grasp of poetry that would leave even Martin Luther King jr starry-eyed.

Every society needs its hero and finally we have found ours.

Step forward Richard Madeley.

Fake tan enthusiast.

Fireproof hair-piece wearer. 

Hater of ordinary workers.

Master of self-awareness.

As one of the hardest-working and most self-sacrificing individuals of recent decades, Richard has garnered attention by courageously castigating those lazy union types who will never know the struggle of a cushy studio job with a six-figure salary that can still pay the average heating bill. Richard's recent TV performances have been on a par with history's great orators, demonstrating sage-like wisdom with a gravitas and grasp of poetry that would leave even Martin Luther King jr starry-eyed.

For example, in a spectacular outburst that truly sent shivers down the spineless, Richard articulated that our great prime minister Rishi Sunak cannot possibly be expected to wait in Accident and Emergency for seven hours because he has "three or four" cars. It's a simple fact of life that the higher your CO2 emissions, the more you should be insulated from the consequences of your catastrophic failings. Just because Rishi imposed suffering on you, the peasantry, doesn't mean he should have to endure "poor person healthcare" himself. Please be serious, lefties.

As Richard pointed out, Rishi is extremely busy avoiding responsibility because he has donors to please and a country to run into the ground. Ordinary people famously don't have jobs or responsibilities which is why they fully deserve chronically underfunded healthcare. It's also why it's perfectly okay to leave seven-year-old snowflakes screaming in agony for two days without pain relief before an X-ray finally reveals they have a fractured ulna. Personally, I can't believe those whiny brats are expecting handouts at such an early age. We should bloody well add the hospital bill to their student loan the day they turn 18. Alternatively, we could send them up chimneys once their sawn-off arm stump has healed.

Kids today want everything the easy way and have no concept of working hard to earn nice things like Rishi's children obviously do. Fragile working-class kids just want everything handed to them on a silver plate, but it's not PC to say that apparently, which is why we have to blame immigrants and union barons for their shortcomings.

Thank God for Richard Madeley and his unnerving ability to say what we're all thinking by having absolutely no filter or sensitivity whatsoever. If Richard (Dick to his friends) keeps going at this rate, he might just take my place as the UK's finest national treasure. That's a bold suggestion, I know, but as well as being an outstanding journalist, Richard is also an agony aunt for The Telegraph in which he answers questions that truly matter, such as, and I quote: 

"Trying on my girlfriend's clothes is turning me on. Should I tell her?"

Few among us could even begin to tackle such a poignant question with the depth and nuance that it genuinely deserves. Truly Richard is one of the great intellects of our time, like one of those figures from a bygone era whose insights have pervaded through the ages, a Greek philosopher for the modern age, or perhaps a wimpy middle-class gammon with a vague air of respectability. Okay, not a gammon so much as an overcooked slice of venison, but you get the picture.

Only a towering figure such as Richard could boldly challenge Prince Harry over the racism accusations he allegedly made against the royal family after they were racist towards his wife and child. As a fake tan aficionado, Richard is clearly the perfect person to discuss the issues that affect people of colour. After all, his skin glows brighter than the sun even before he's vented his gammon, I mean venison rage like a yelping Jack Russell terrier.

Richard recently channelled his inner-Mandela to explain it's totally wrong for anyone to defend their family from racism and bullying and I for one could not agree more. Nelson might have served 27 years in prison for his principles, but Richard evaded prison after being arrested 28 years ago when he fancied a bottle of wine. I know who my number one anti-racism icon is.

Nobody else has stood up for people of colour, okay, crimson people, and nobody else has courageously defied unions like Richard who sacrifices his dignity for the greater good every time he faces off against Mick Lynch. Richard truly is the Piers Morgan of Jeremy Clarksons and he has gone to pains to explain that he is politically neutral in a time when everyone is so damn polarising. This is why he always takes the Tory side of any dispute and attacks ordinary people with the self-awareness of a pigeon shitting on a chessboard and pecking at a bishop.

In these nightmarish woke times when lefties control everything from the government to the media to James Hewitt's secret son, thank God for neutral conservative TV presenters like Richard unflinchingly defending the Tory Party from unwashed teenagers who don't want the ice caps to be melted because they hate The S*n that much. God only knows what they think of The Daily Mail.

While commie twenty-somethings are putting avocado in their fancy coffees and spending £700 a month on Netflix instead of paying their £10.99 energy bills, journalists like Richard are doing their utmost to ensure the Tories force through anti-union legislation which is obviously the only way to defeat Putin. 

Zelensky is wiping a tear from his eye as he reflects upon this touching gesture while bullets whiz past him and rockets explode in the distance as smoke fills the horizon. "Thank God for the Richards of this world," he says, gripping his assault rifle tightly, knowing he has the easy job and it's the Richards who are putting themselves on the line.

Not only is Richard tormenting Putin as badly as he torments Judy, he is helping Rishi protect rich people from the existential threat known as "taxation". A threat even deadlier than nuclear armageddon, but thankfully one that Rishi has so far managed to evade, thanks to skilful use of his wife's non-dom status and illegal business ties with Russia. Remember though, it's the unions who are helping Putin, not the tax dodgers with a secret office in central Moscow.

The nation's double standards must be maintained at all costs and journalists like Richard and myself come pretty cheaply when you're worth £700 million and have a pathological desire to hit the billion mark so your super-rich friends stop referring to you as "the poor one". Our Whatsapp conversations have basically revolved around how can we bring back slavery in a way that can be sold to the public as "modernisation".

With this in mind, the Tories want to force workers to maintain minimum service levels and sack people who refuse to work, but this has made Jacob Rees-Mogg rather nervous because if that rule was applied to parliament, he could get in trouble for sleeping on the benches. As you can see, those double standards are going to be utterly essential in a time when "union barons" pose much more of a threat to our way of life than the likes of Baroness Michelle Mone. If they had their way, £200 million PPE scandals would be nigh on impossible to accomplish.

It's down to us government propagandists to explain that nurses are recklessly leaving the NHS short-staffed by striking and the best way to fill vacancies is to sack those nurses if they continue striking. This will leave the NHS in a much stronger position and is absolutely in no way an attempt to destroy it. Well, not until the unions have been destroyed first by bosses suing them into bankruptcy.

It's vital for stupid people to understand British workers must be stopped from striking because they keep winning pay rises that we insisted there was no money for and this means less in the bonus pot for executives. Crushing unions is democracy in action, a way of giving a voice to the voiceless, but our forethinking prime minister wants to go a step further by letting courts grant injunctions banning strikes. So keen on democracy is our prime minister that he even wanted to ban certain industries from unionising, but unfortunately lawyers explained such a move would be "illegal". Good job we have workarounds, eh?

Going forwards the only strikes that will be considered acceptable are the ones that aren't disruptive and have the prior approval of employers, kind of like booking work holidays which the government is also looking at scrapping. And we can't have any disruptive strikes against that, can we? This is precisely where soulless TV ghouls have a vital role in shaping the minds of the stupidest citizens of our democracy. And our favourite slice of overcooked venison truly appeals to the stupidest citizens of all.

As the least dignified member of our Tory propagandist Whatsapp group, Richard Madeley can get the above points across more shamelessly than any other individual. Honestly, I'm in awe of his ability to interview himself while his guests struggle to get a word in edgeways and I see him almost as a role model or mentor. Just don't tell Judy how badly he's been flirting with me because it might give her hope that she could one day escape him x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x

Tuesday, 3 January 2023

Experts confirm 2022 was the year we reached those unlit shitlands

experts have confirmed 2022 was the year we reached those unlit shitlands

So being the journalistic genius that I unquestionably am, I've only gone and come up with an idea that no one has ever come up with before. It is... wait for it... a review of the year! Now if you're unsure of what a review of the year entails, it's basically where I review what happened in the year. Isn't that clever? Just don't expect any of this stuff to be in chronological order because a lot of shit happened and there is no way in hell I'm checking all the dates. What do you think I am? A real journalist?

Anyways, 2022 was a truly incredible year. So many great things happened in the UK that I really don't know where to begin, but what better way than to celebrate our beautiful waterways being greatly enhanced by the stewardship of that green goddess Thérèse Coffey? Our rivers are now a dazzling spectacle of condoms and tampons, our lakes a reddish sludge with fish corpses lining the shores, and our beaches are adorned with liquefying turds and glittering microplastics. 

2022 was truly the year we reached those unlit shitlands.

Now Thérèse Coffey as environment secretary was definitely the best appointment since Thérèse Coffey as health secretary because no one else has the talent and intellect to do the exact opposite of what the experts advise and then just brazenly not give a shit when she's asked about her failures on national TV.

Well, actually Thérèse did give a shit. Lots of shits. Apparently, raw sewage has been dumped every four minutes (equivalent to 4.2 billion litres a year) since she took charge - and I'm pretty sure most of that was just when she opened her mouth.

Thérèse came up with the brilliant idea of saving our lakes from overpopulation by killing all the fish with sludge as toxic as cobra venom, and for an added bonus, she also brought back polio! As you can see, there are clear benefits to England and Wales being the only countries in the world to have privatised our water supplies. Privatisation is brilliant and that's why we're privatising the NHS.

Let's not forget about the spectacular success Thérèse Coffey had as health secretary before handing over the reins to someone called Steve Barclay. I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea who Steve is either, but I can honestly say the NHS is now in brilliant shape, thanks to him and Thérèse.

It's in such good shape, in fact, that journalist George Monbiot (who is definitely not as good a journalist as me) reported of children screaming in agony in the hospital waiting room during his recent trip to A and E. We're being told that emergency care has completely collapsed in the UK, meaning if you have a heart attack or stroke, it's probably tough shit, unfortunately. I've heard stories of pensioners camping in the streets with broken hips, awaiting ambulances for three days because they were too lazy to walk five miles to the hospital.

I would like to remind you this collapse of emergency care, which happened before the NHS strikes, is definitely down to the NHS strikes. It's one of the fundamental laws of the universe that the effect always precedes the cause.

If you're concerned about all of this NHS chaos, please be assured that it's saving the taxpayer a fortune because we're not bothering to spend any money, and at some point in the near future, we're going to hand the NHS over to American companies. You know how privatising our water supply gave us turds on our beaches? Just imagine what it's going to do to our NHS! Pretty soon, poor people are not just going to be depending on charity food, they're also going to need charity healthcare.

With all this excitement, you probably think I'm done here, that I couldn't possibly have anything to cover as notable as the above, but we haven't even got to Suella Braverman yet - the only woman who could've possibly out-evilled Priti Patel as home secretary.

I'm going to be honest with you, I've no idea if Suella Braverman is currently home secretary because she's been sacked from the role like four or five times by now, but she's so good we keep welcoming her back. She truly is an iconic figure.

Remember that time Suella (Cruella to her friends) breached the Official Secrets Act and Ministerial Code, but nobly accepted responsibility for breaking the law and so faced no consequences? This was when she sent fellow MP John Hayes a sensitive document (which was illegal) and then CC'd in his wife (which was doubly illegal) and accidentally sent it to the wrong person (which was triply illegal!) I don't know about you, but I definitely feel safe with this person in charge of our national security. 

Cruella was particularly impressive in how she held up her hands and fully accepted responsibility after repeatedly lying about what she'd done. It was at this point Cruella wrote her resignation letter where she complained about not being allowed to be cruel enough to refugees. Thankfully, she was back like a fortnight later so she could fulfil her inspiring dream of trafficking innocent human beings to Rwanda.

The Tories had such difficulty living up to the basic standards required by the Ministerial Code last year, that they looked desperately into the possibility of scrapping it. This is because rules are supposed to be for poor people.

And this is where we get on to the dismal failure of Boris Johnson. Remember him? He was the unqualified idiot with no discernible talent who we made prime minister because of his buffoon act and then watched in awe as he tried and failed to become a dictator. On the plus side, I had a brief fling with him and I'm not at all bitter that the bastard chose Carrie. 

I honestly can't remember which one of his many failings Johnson resigned for, so if you give me a sec, I'll check and let you know what Google says.

Okay, back now. Google says and I quote:

"That useless nobhead Boris Johnson lost the support of his fellow Tory MPs after embarrassing them one too many times. The final straw came when Johnson promoted a known sex offender who went on to commit more sexual offences. This confused Johnson who had grown up watching his father Stanley beat his mother and grope women under the table. He therefore thought this kind of thing was perfectly normal and couldn't understand why every civilised human being in the UK was disgusted with him. The few who weren't disgusted were really telling on themselves."

So Boris Johnson was an extremely rare example of a Tory failure last year, but sadly he wasn't the only one. There was also that plank Matt Hancock who had previously elevated himself to heroic status in the Tory ranks after clearing care homes of pensioners, reducing the pensions bill by £600 million. But he let himself down by snacking on kangaroo balls and koala dicks so he could start a new career as one of those people who does photoshoots for OK magazine.

Surprisingly, most people weren't willing to forgive Matt for murdering their grandma. Plus, he's not remotely likeable so his celebrity career has failed before it's even started. This is a guy who gets a boner every time he's interviewed by a female journalist and most of us have restraining orders against him.

Now I promise you I did not start this article with the intention of highlighting Tory losers, but unfortunately, Liz Truss has sprung to mind! Oh my god, remember her? She was prime minister for like a day and a half, spent the whole time taking selfies and somehow we're still paying for her!

In defence of Liz, she actually fought a noble battle against the "anti-growth coalition", but it turned out the anti-growth coalition contained everyone apart from her and Kamikwasi Kwarteng. And sadly they crushed Liz and Kamikwasi in about 36 hours. At least I think it was 36 hours, but it was definitely less than the 44 days David Blaine spent in a box above the Thames, and during that time she u-turned so often, she was basically in a constant pirouette.

At least Liz got to blow a £60 billion hole in the economy to do insider trading for whooping hedge fund managers who were swilling champagne with their ties around their heads and leaving trails of cocaine to and from the bathroom. Liz and Kamikwasi forced interest rates up so high, they left millions of working-class people at risk of losing their homes, and to this date, they still have not been arrested. Legends.

Liz's time as prime minister might have resulted in catastrophic failure, but at least she helped dishy Rishi become our fourth unelected prime minister in a row, proving conclusively we have the greatest democracy on earth.

During Rishi's time in charge, we have seen energy bills going through the roof because the Tory government didn't fancy investing in wind and solar in case it hurt energy companies. It's good to see they have the right priorities.

Children have to wear their big coats indoors and grandparents have to go to warm banks because the government decided switching to renewables would cost £1 trillion. Now that figure might be total bollocks but that's beside the point. Such a move would create 250,000 jobs, solve many of our economic woes, and make energy bills affordable as well as helping something called the "environment", but it would hurt people who donate lots of money to the Tories.

Liz Truss made the sensible move of banning solar farms and it's worrying that Rishi seems to be wavering on this because we seriously don't want to do the right thing. A treasonous Shell CEO even called for a windfall tax on energy companies, but you will be pleased to know he has now been exiled to Rwanda. Liz would have hanged him for less.

Instead of taking meaningful action on the climate crisis, the government is sensibly forcing poor people to use less energy, which is ironic because not long ago we were bringing back inefficient light bulbs, thanks to Brexit. We were told they were the best thing since blue passports! Remember that?

Now 2022 was definitely a good year for impoverishing the working class, but let's not forget some bad things happened too. For example, Putin started a terrible war in Ukraine, prompting us to welcome the only refugees we've ever pretended to care about. This was a confusing time for Cruella Braverman who was torn between using those refugees as political capital and sending them to Rwanda. Her eye twitches every time she thinks about this.

Now this terrible war may be costing countless lives and may have forced us to be nice to refugees for a few weeks, but it provided the perfect opportunity to pin every Tory failing on Putin. Meghan Markle and Jeremy Corbyn were breathing a huge sigh of relief, I can tell you.

But that monster Meghan doesn't get off scot-free. She ruined the platinum jubilee in the last year of our Queen's life by being mixed race and married to one of our princes. I don't think we can ever forgive Meghan for loving her husband. 

Not long after the jubilee, we were burying our Queen and arresting people for holding up blank pieces of paper or calling Prince Andrew a nonce. The police even courageously beat the shit out of a skinny lad for skateboarding because it's important for the plebs to know their place.

Perhaps the saddest part of the Queen's passing is that we've now been lumbered with Charles as King and I don't think many of us are happy because we didn't even get a vote and we like William better. Obviously, the only proper way to have a monarchy is to let people democratically choose which person from the magic bloodline becomes our head of state until the day they die.

The passing of the Queen made 2022 a year that will forever be marked in the history books, but let's not forget there were a lot of other things going on as well.

Elon Musk was taking over Twitter and announcing he is not cis (congratulations queen!), Nicola Sturgeon was saying she despises the Tories like it's an original thought, Jeremy Clarkson was fantasising about flinging excrement at a naked Meghan Markle, Michael Fabricant was the victim of a terrifying assault that was completely made up, and Mick Lynch was making everyone who interviewed him look like a massive dickhead, although Richard Madeley didn't need any help in that regard. 

Finally and most spectacularly, woodland pixie Greta Thunberg destroyed incel alpha Andrew Tate in a Twitter spat. I swear I heard a Mortal Kombat voice booming "Finish him!" as she ripped out his still-beating heart and shared an image of it with her followers. That girl has no mercy!

Imagine telling someone at the start of 2022 that a rich man called Andrew would be arrested for sex trafficking after a pizza incident and it wouldn't be the prince. It's a strange world x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x

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