Truss declares war on Sunak's left-wing economic establishment

The fightback begins.

Liz Truss stands atop a sunlit upland in Lincoln with her selfie stick unsheathed, wind flowing through her golden locks and the verdant grass which is about to be stained by the blood of her enemies, her gaze unflinching as she braces herself for battle, having assembled her army (the pro-growth coalition) which consists of the land's proudest and most fearsome warriors - Therese Coffey, Mark Francois, Sophie Coconut and the audience from Question Time - and she is ready to take on the left-wing economic establishment of investment firms, companies that prefer fiscal order to bankruptcy, the Bank of England, the IMF, and those pesky stock markets which are led by communist tyrant Rishi Sunak.

Wait, what do you mean, you want both sides to lose? What are you? Some kind of social democrat? It's time to pick a side: the choice is between stupid and evil and I for one am confident that stupidity is going to win!

Once Liz has crushed the left-wing economic establishment, she plans to save the most powerful nation in the history of the world from the threat of balloons by demanding we withdraw from Chinese pork markets. Now I don't mean to be a Debbie downer, but doesn't that mean we're going to have to reverse Brexit now? I mean Chinese pork markets were the one and only benefit of Brexit and now we're going to lose access to them? Wow, that's one hell of a self-inflicted blow.

Liz can send her fleet of militarily trained pigeons to burst all the spy balloons she likes, she can even slay the Chinese dragon with her bloodied selfie stick, but without those pork chops, our economy is surely finished. All the tax avoidance in the world could not make up for such a shortfall.

Now I don't want this to be another one of those situations where no one told Liz this was a self-defeating plan that will ultimately wreck our economy so I've sent her a message on Whatsapp. If she says nobody warned her this time, I have the read receipt, but the problem with our heroine is that she likes to do things her own way. For example, she is brilliant at holding telephones upside down and putting her shoes on the wrong feet.

Liz has never been afraid to defy convention. Most people announce their comeback because they have a legion of adoring fans who've missed them terribly and will rejoice upon their arrival like they've seen the second coming of Jesus. Liz proudly announced her return as the world's least popular populist, cheered on only by me and those dipshits who think the problem with the UK is that Universal Credit is too generous because we can't see all of your ribs and we've not built any wave generators to tip over refugee dinghies in the English Channel. 

It would appear the left-wing economic establishment includes literally everyone else in the country. This means Liz is coming for all of you and she's not going to be satisfied until she's completely and utterly ruined your lives. Last time around, Liz became our prime minister without bothering to hold a general election. Next time, she will make sure we never have an election again.

To strengthen her position as our ruler for the rest of eternity, Liz has been forging ties with some of the finest people in America such as The Heritage Foundation - a libertarian thinktank linked to Donald Trump, Breitbart and Cambridge Analytica - people who've got your best interests at heart and definitely don't want to carve the UK into charter cities ruled over by CEOs like feudal lords. These people are super-nice and you should be rooting for them to win the great war of our time...

Anyways, let's quickly move on because while I've been nattering away, it looks like the opening battle has finally begun!

Liz stumbles in her high heels as she charges past me, towards the next nearest person with a camera (a very confused Japanese tourist) and she savagely attacks commie Sunak for his "detrimental" tax policies, such as raising our staggeringly low corporation tax of 19% to a more standard 25%. She is even demanding he adopts her tax policies which were absolutely not detrimental and totally left the economy in brilliant shape. 

Sunak is in a vulnerable position now, languishing in the polls after 100 days in charge, and he is on the phone (which a smirking Liz has put on loudspeaker), begging, pleading with her not to take away the 26 supporters she accumulated during her 44 days in charge. 

But Liz is merciless: "They're mine now and there is nothing you can do about it!" Therese Coffey laughs maniacally as Mark Francois says, "Get him, Liz!" and Sophie Coconut picks her nose. The Question Time gammons are squeezing between our fearsome quartet - the four simpletons of the Truss-ocalypse - seemingly desperate to scream something (presumably about foreigners) at the camera.

Sunak is now yelling that he will raise the upper-rate of income tax by 0.5% if Liz refuses to back down! He's just said he will send the bailiffs around to Nadhim Zahawi's house to install a tax pre-payment metre and oh shit, Liz has started to hyperventilate! I don't think she knows how to respond. Sophie Coconut tells her to post a selfie to Twitter for a morale boost, but I'm afraid it's no use! The gammons are now tearing their shirts off their flabby tattooed torsos and arguing among themselves. I think they're going to come to blows...

Meanwhile, the tourists and members of the public are just staring, utterly bemused, and now they're wandering off to get on with the rest of their day. It looks like no one gives a shit about these weirdos and all this time they've simply been pissing into the wind. After all this drama, it looks like what people actually want is a government that's not obsessed with vacuous slogans and victim blaming to distract you from their looting of the economy. 

It looks like what they want is... fairness, competence and representation.

This... is... so... awkward... x

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