Nadine Dorries wants my title of "world's greatest TV journalist"

I'm so angry I can hardly speak.

I've just heard the news. It's Nadine. She's standing down as an MP at the next election so she can focus on her "Talk TV role" and challenge my place as the world's greatest television journalist.

I'm livid.

Now Nadine and I have certainly had our ups and downs over the years. I've always admired her intellectual rigour and fierce determination to seek revenge on Channel 4 for holding the government to account and her impressive ability to single-handedly drain the Downing Street drinks cabinet during lockdown. 

But then there is the other side of Nadine, the side that flirted with Boris Johnson as blatantly as I did, resting her chin in her hands as she dreamily smiled, thrusting forward those cheekbones to die for and fluttering those long eyelashes while Mr Can't-keep-his-dick-in-his-pants spoke bollocks interspersed with phrases of Latin... in parliament. I can't tell you how many times I threw up.

Nadine is so determined to fight for her man, she admirably accused MPs who ditched Boris (for the minor crime of knowingly promoting a sex offender) of "drinking the Kool-Aid". Nobody in the UK actually knows what Kool-Aid is, but it's often referenced by stupid people who like to copy what Americans say because they think it makes them sound clever and edgy. And now it's used by Nadine Dorries who definitely is clever and edgy.

To truly emphasise the tragedy of Johnson's downfall, I understand Nadine read the following quote from her book Shadows in Heaven (which she scrawled in Crayola during one of her famous drinking sessions):

"One of our own has been murdered in a graveyard, had his dick hacked off and fed to a cat. We have no idea who did it".

Poor Boris.

I've been unable to verify whether Nadine really did read this quote aloud because I was watching cat videos on TikTok when I should have been listening to her and I was too embarrassed to ask anyone, but I felt the quote was so powerful and apt that I would use it anyway. And I would like to follow it up with another profound Nadine quote from the novel series The Lovely Lane:

"No one in their right mind ever had a bad word to say about a potato."

God, I can't stand Nadine anymore and even I found her words moving! They're like the lyrics from a James Blunt song the world tragically never got to hear because someone took out a restraining order...

Now I might be the one with the journalistic excellence, but Nadine clearly has an unrivalled grasp of the English language and honestly, I don't know how I can compete with her. She truly is a literary goddess, a poet who can tug on the heartstrings of even the most emotionally stunted Tory sociopaths (apart from Jonathan Gullis who is a lost cause).

Clearly, Nadine is giving up her safe seat for Boris so she can win his favour, but hopefully, she will be rewarded with a seat in the House of Lords and then she can forget about this whole TV thing. I think the House of Lords would be brilliant for Nadine because it's full of people who get paid lots of money for doing nothing, having been voted for by nobody and having no useful talent to speak of. It's the very opposite of a meritocracy, the type of environment in which someone of Nadine's calibre would surely thrive.

But in the meantime, Nadine has the challenging job of telling gullible reactionaries whatever nonsense they want to hear on Talk TV. Presumably, her script will be based on Twitter comments about: migrants who didn't use non-existent legal routes, 5g masts resonating with vaccine mRNA to make everyone woke, and Meghan Markle wearing shoes that disrespect the memory of the queen somehow. In other words, deep and thoughtful subject matter that only Nadine (and Tom Harwood) would be capable of tackling.

But who is Nadine anyway?

In case you've been sleeping under a rock, Nadine is the anti-abortion mummy porn author who believes girls should be taught abstinence; the council estate lass who spent her political career shitting on her previous jobs of nurse and teacher (as well as shitting on council estates); the Twitter obsessive who once said that people who've posted more than 35,000 times on Twitter should be reported to the DWP. 

(This is because social media use is strictly prohibited for poor people who should absolutely not be raising awareness of their plight more than 34,999 times.)

Nadine despises those who use the public purse to cover their living expenses, although she twice forgot to declare the addresses of her second and third homes and changed her mind about which was her main home while claiming £60,000 in expenses for her second home allowance. This was a very relatable mistake.

Incidentally, Nadine paid her daughter £45,000 a year of taxpayer money to be her office manager while she was living just 96 miles from the office. She also employed her sister as a secretary on £35,000 a year of taxpayer money. (It's unclear if she used taxpayer money to pay her ghostwriter.)

While Nadine is a stickler for the rules, she sadly broke the ministerial code by not seeking advice before taking her Talk TV role and you can expect me to bring this up on my TV show every Sunday for the next six months. (Not that I'm petty or anything.)

It's not the first time a TV role has landed Nadine in hot water either. She lost the Tory whip in 2013 for appearing on I'm A Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here without seeking approval from Tory HQ, but she redeemed herself by eating ostrich anus which surprisingly is not one of her sexual kinks.

The ostrich anus represented Nadine's proudest moment since she was ex-communicated from the city of Liverpool for being a Tory. Well, apart from the time she threatened a journalist for looking into her expenses by saying: "Be seen within a mile of my daughters and I will nail your balls to the floor… using your own front teeth!"

I understand it took the journalist two and a half hours to pick his teeth from his balls and the stupid bugger will never make the mistake of crossing Nadine again. She is a working-class warrior, a temptress and a trailblazer. Nothing and nobody can mess with Nadine, not even deadly diseases. 

In March 2020, Nadine became the first MP to contract Covid-19 and I understand the coronavirus is still suffering severe complications as a result. Shit, I hope it's doing okay! 

Last I heard, Covid was pictured doing a charity walk in Huddersfield, wearing one of those T-shirts with "I survived Nadine Dorries" emblazoned across the front and "Let's beat Nadine together" on the back. That's a sentiment I certainly share x

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