I must bring you the horrifying news that Matt Hancock was eaten by a crocodile on I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here. The crocodile is understood to be in critical condition and we can only hope he makes a full recovery. Poor thing. Vets said they don't know how this one will pan out because it's not every day a giant lizard eats a 6-foot lump of turd and this is probably a scientific first.

Anyways, I'm a Celebrity bosses kindly let me speak to contestant Boy George who provided this harrowing firsthand account of what happened. Only read on if you are feeling strong.

"It all started when Matt was asked to jump out of an aeroplane without the required PPE (a parachute) and he point-blank refused. He said he doesn't see why he should do anything dangerous without the necessary lifesaving equipment. It was explained to him it was more cost-effective this way, but he said he didn't give a shit about the budget, he just wanted to stay alive. He was being such a drama queen.

"Anyways, we pointed out he was a massive hypocrite and from that point on, everyone kind of shunned him. This was nothing to do with his hypocrisy though, he just smelled bad. 

"So it came time to do a jungle trial and it was a really cruel one. A bunch of crocodiles had to swim in a pool with Matt Hancock and see how long they could last before they couldn't bear it any longer. Matt was concerned about his safety too, but we told him not to worry because we'd put a protective ring around him and then we didn't bother.

"So Matt was in the swimming pool with the crocodiles - and the crocodiles were crying and screaming he is spreading disease through their community before they could be vaccinated. Matt is rather good at that.

"Matt was thrashing about like an idiot because he couldn't even swim and we could barely see him because of all the splashing. The biggest crocodile was swimming around the pool in a state of panic and confusion, and then we heard 'Uh-oh'.

"'What do you mean, uh-oh?' we cried, panic-stricken. 

"'It's me,' the huge crocodile replied. 'I think I've just swallowed the massive turd. I don't know what to do!'

"The poor crocodile was getting hysterical so at this point, the producers kindly ended the trial. There was just no point asking the crocodiles to suffer any further.

"The giant crocodile, whose name is Steve by the way, scrambled out of the pool and immediately passed out. Mike Tindall was giving him CPR and Jill Scott was looking down his throat, but unfortunately she could see no sign of Matt. 

"Personally, I was staying well away because Steve is a massive crocodile and I was scared he might wake up. Don't look at me like that, I didn't want to be accidentally swallowed! Did I mention Steve is a massive fucking crocodile?

"A vet soon arrived in a helicopter and I was disappointed because I wanted her to come in one of those tiny planes the Flying Doctors used, but she couldn't because we're in a jungle and she would have crashed into the trees.

"Thankfully, the vet managed to revive Steve which was a bloody miracle, but sadly, she told Steve there was nothing she could do. Poor Steve wouldn't stop sobbing so Mike and Jill were giving him a pep talk, bless them. 

"Meanwhile, the other crocodiles were nowhere to be seen. One of them said: 'I'm not going near anyone who's just eaten shit,' and they all pissed off into the jungle. Can you believe those heartless bastards? I bet you they were all Tories.

"The vet explained it's just a waiting game now and we simply have to pray Steve recovers. Sadly, there is no vaccine or medical treatment to safeguard against Matt Hancocks and we can only hope this doesn't develop into a pandemic."

UPDATE: After the Boy George interview, I received contact from TV producers who confirmed Steve has puked up Matt and he is now expected to make a full recovery. Devastatingly, Matt was completely unscathed from the ordeal and he wants to go back into the jungle. The crocodiles are not happy about this x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend x