Tories vote to save proud British tradition of turds on beaches

You will be relieved to hear the government has resisted pressure from leftie fascists and voted to continue dumping turds on our glorious beaches for the next 15 years. Thank god. This was one of the Tories' key manifesto pledges and I was so worried they were going to buckle on this one like they buckled on Nadhim Zahawi's totally accidental tax dodging.

Turd dumping is up there with tea drinking, ripping fox cubs to pieces, and talking loudly at foreigners who speak perfect English as one of the UK's favourite pastimes, and those leftie bastards want to ban it because of something called the "environment". 

Is nothing sacred anymore? Next they'll be telling us we have to spoil our unlit shitlands with wind farms and solar panels and... and... fresh air.

I don't know about you, but when I'm strolling past mountains of shit and enjoying a symphony of buzzing bluebottles and choking asthmatics, the last thing I want to see are the sapphire sheen of photovoltaic panels and the majestic spinning arms of wind turbines signalling to the world we are cleaning up our act and creating a habitable world for children who don't even pay taxes. 

Bring back iron lungs is what I say. If it was good enough for kids in my day (when not a single person used the iron lung) then it's certainly good enough for the kids of today. These whiny snowflakes have never been toughened up by a good bout of polio and it shows.

Among those who voted to save one of our finest traditions was Jonathan Gullis, the hero who yelled in parliament that refugee children shouldn't come to the UK if they don't want to be kidnapped by criminal gangs. So as you can see, a man of impeccable judgment and integrity. The type of politician only the most committed of psychopaths could vote for.

One of the benefits of the turd dumping policy is that it has stopped trendy weirdos from disturbing our three-eyed fish and seals with tentacles by windsurfing along our radioactive coastline. A windsurfer called Sarah told the BBC she has relocated to Tenerife because swallowing brown sludge when she falls off her windsurfing board is too good for her, apparently. Good riddance is what I say.

You might be concerned that the turd dumping policy will only last 15 years, but I would like to assure you that all of the dinosaurs who voted for this policy will be extinct by 2038 and so will you, because the world will be hotter than a kitchen cupboard in Sedgefield and as barren as a bikini-clad Maya Jama strolling into the Love Island villa, although I might have that the wrong way around.

The 2037 climate apocalypse is sadly unavoidable thanks to leftie conspiracy theorists failing to adequately warn us about the consequences of our anti-scientific and utterly self-absorbed behaviours, leaving us just a decade and a half to get as rich as possible through the exploitation of human misery and sheer disregard for the planet that provides the very air we breathe. Personally, I look forward to being drowned by the melting of our urine-tinged ice caps.

The last 15 years of the UK shall be known as the Turd Reich x

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