Chief Brexiter Tim Martin closing his pubs because of Brexit

If you're wondering what that faint, heart-rending sound is, that almost musical murmuring that's so quiet, you're unsure if you're even hearing it, well, it's not the song of a faerie at the bottom of your garden, nestled among the rotting leaves and the turd gifted by your neighbour's cat, nor is it a ringing in your ears because you haven't cleaned out the wax for ages. It's actually the sound of the world's smallest violin - a violin that is sub-atomic in scale. 

Wow, your ears must be extremely sensitive, given how badly they need a cotton wool bud!

The reason this barely audible violin is tugging so powerfully on your heartstrings and stirring emotions you did not think you could feel in this cold and barren capitalist era is because of shocking news that has emerged about the 1980s TV icon who played Lion-O in Thundercats before becoming a fabled wealth creator and anti-philanthropist, Tim Martin.

Now you're going to have to sit down for this one, but the man who sold Brexit to a gullible nation so eloquently, proudly shitting on his own workforce so he could climb to those unlit shitlands where employment laws are not a thing and hairdressers will tell you that your 1980s haircut, which looked terrible even back then, actually looks trendy today, well, that man has found himself in the unforeseen situation where he is having to close 40 of his Wetherspoons pubs down, thanks to... to... I can't even say it... fucking Brexit!

Wait... who just said this is the first benefit of Brexit? I can't believe you people can be so insensitive! I hate you all so much...

Brexit was supposed to be wonderful for its tax-averse architects who weren't meant to suffer the brutal consequences they had intended for their workforce. Poor people were supposed to get poorer, not rich people!

Sadly, the dark forces of Brexit have taken even the most evil of masterminds by surprise and are now remorselessly consuming everything in sight, even ageing TV stars with magic swords. Not even the greatest of wealth creators are able to create enough wealth to solve this problem which is turning the green and pleasant land rich people occupy into a hellscape as decrepit as the hellscape they forged for the rest of you.

Sadly, Tim has discovered the hard way that trickledown economics doesn't work so well when you get your thing stuck in your zip and piss down your own leg while screaming in agony. Poor bloke now has to walk around with wet trousers in so much pain that he's terrified of peeing again, and yes, he fucking stinks.

I know this because I was unfortunate enough to catch up with Tim earlier, and because I'm still pretending to be a journalist, I asked him important questions, such as whether he has tried pulling himself up by his bootstraps (I don't even know what bootstraps are but I still asked) or whether he has cancelled Netflix and stopped going to Starbucks and started making his own packed lunches and I even asked if he'd considered cutting his hair! 

Astonishingly, Tim got really mad and suggested these are "incredibly stupid questions" and "only a complete idiot" would think they were "sensible measures" to solve a "cash flow problem". He then explained "Brexit has fucked everything" so badly that he is not making enough money to avoid paying taxes, before insisting "it's the EU's fault" he peed down his leg. He also said the government needs to welcome more of the EU workers he wanted to get rid of, because that thing he demanded caused worker shortages.

I can't believe Tim questioned my journalistic wisdom, but in his defence (I don't know why I'm defending him when he said Robert Peston was a better journalist than me), he has made some brilliant business moves over the years, such as taking advantage of the government's furlough scheme during the pandemic, only to lay off his workers anyway. 

Tim even refused to pay his workers a penny at one point and advised them to go and work at Tesco if they didn't like it! He later identified Tesco and taxes as two of the key reasons that his amazing Wetherspoons business is failing. Honestly, I've met garden snails with more self-awareness, but it's a strange fact of life that sometimes really stupid people are successful at business. 

It's just that Tim is not even successful at business anymore, which only leaves the stupid part. He is a snail without a shell, a wealth creator who can't create any wealth, and that makes him about as useful as a porn star who suffers from impotence and pees down his own leg x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x