Nadhim Zahawi not going to jail because he is a Tory

First of all, it's snowing today and the UK is like a beautiful winter wonderland. Okay, perhaps it's not beautiful where you are (especially if you live in Burnley), but it's beautiful where I am and given I'm a journalist in the most mainstream of media, where I am is the only place that counts. So yeah, it's looking pretty outside today, but I'm not gonna lie, I'm freezing my arse off here. 

Anyways, I'm courageously braving these wintry conditions because I have a story to tell you and it's a doozy because it covers the former Chancellor's totally legit tax affairs. Nadhim Zahawi is currently our Minister without Portfolio and this is honestly not because everyone thinks he's an untrustworthy fucknugget who couldn't be left alone with a pair of scissors, let alone a real ministerial role.

Nadhim has finally agreed to pay HMRC millions of pounds in unpaid tax, following an investigation by the National Crime Agency that I uncovered last year in my role as super-journalist, but completely ignored because I was hoping he would get away with everything. 

Nadhim sold shares worth £20 million in 2018 to an unknown recipient in a perfectly normal manner and should not have paid £3.7 million in capital gains tax. This is because capital gains tax is for losers.

The controversy comes from Nadhim's involvement with Gibralta-based Balshore Investments which was registered in a tax haven for the purpose of holding Nadhim's shares in YouGov, the polling company that he did not set up to shape public opinion. Incidentally, the latest YouGov poll shows that 126% of the public knows this is a massive witch hunt and poor Nadhim is even more persecuted than Andrew Tate. The Matrix just won't stop sending its agents!

Nadhim had previously claimed he was not a beneficiary of Balshore Investments, but he has since explained this was a perfectly honest lie that any tax-dodging sociopath could make. For example, Boris Becker failed to declare £2.5 million in overseas assets and all that happened to him was, um... two secs, I'll go and check... Bollocks, it looks like Becker went to prison for two and a half years. Just forget I said anything because this country is full of snitches.

Traitors in the Cabinet Office's ethics team actually flagged Nadhim to Boris Johnson a while back, but being the moral vacuum he is, Johnson promoted him anyway! This was definitely the smartest move since Johnson promoted a known sex offender and it shows that he always surrounded himself with the finest people. I just don't understand how things turned out so badly.

Perhaps the most surprising aspect of this saga is how Nadhim has always shown such impeccable judgement when it comes to money matters. For example, he recently told the Labour Party it should hand back donations from Unite the union because political parties should only take money from evil mega-corporations. Plus, he threw his weight behind Liz Truss after he dropped out of the Tory leadership contest with only 26 votes and that worked out brilliantly, didn't it?

Sadly, the anti-growth coalition is doing everything it can to besmirch the character of this fine man, but I'm simply not going to let this stand. Let's not forget that Nadhim is such an animal lover that he selflessly spent tens of thousands of pounds warming up his stables to keep his horses warm during the winter. And the summer. 

Okay, that was your money he was spending, but remember, you can't even afford to pay your own heating bill at the moment. I'm not making this any better, am I? Still, at least Nadhim boasts the proud record of being the only refugee in the UK that Suella Braverman has not tried to send to Rwanda and this is because he is just as unspeakably evil as she is, meaning she grudgingly admires him.

It's important to know that Nadhim is protesting his innocence and the best way to confirm your innocence when you're accused of stealing is to repay all the money you never stole. Millions of pounds of it. 

Given his innocence, you will be relieved that Nadhim is not going to jail because the Chancellor who was in charge of the UK's taxes during the investigation into his tax affairs decided not to prosecute. The fact Nadhim was that Chancellor is neither here nor there. And it's not like he did something really serious like overclaiming a fiver in Universal Credit. That would've been terrible x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x