Scorpion who stung Matt Hancock to get seat in House of Lords

"It hurts a lot and I'm feeling dizzy," came a faint whisper from the hospital bed after the shocking incident on I'm a Celebrity.

A black rock scorpion had stung Matt Hancock and the hideous creature left the poor scorpion feeling sick and traumatised. This prompted calls from animal rights groups to ban Matt Hancock from going anywhere near those innocent creatures. Exploiting the suffering of another lifeform for entertainment is clearly wrong.

While black rock scorpions are pretty much harmless with their stings being comparable to those of bees, Matt Hancocks are responsible for the deaths of 100,000 grandparents a year. No wonder the scorpion was so concerned, but thankfully he is expected to pull through because he recently received a vaccination against "Hancock's disease".

Vaccines were given to all local wildlife last week as a precaution after Matt Hancock was accidentally swallowed by a saltwater crocodile called Steve who vomited him back up unscathed. Sadly, the crocodile did not come out of the encounter so well and spent a week in intensive care, but thankfully he is now on the mend. To have another near miss so soon after this is clearly unacceptable though. TV bosses have a lot to answer.

You will be relieved to hear the scorpion called Sammy is doing fine and is expected to take Nadine Dorries' place in the House of Lords once he is feeling 100%. This is because Nadine was considered a little too cold-blooded and venomous for the role and Sammy the scorpion is seen as the moderate choice.

I visited the hospital in Australia where Sammy was recovering and asked if I could interview him, but he sadly declined. His girlfriend Scarlet explained from his bedside: 'He has a phobia of humans now,' so I asked if she minded being interviewed and she told me to: 'Get lost,' following up with, 'humans are hideous things and I don't want them anywhere near me'. I think Scarlet assumed I'm the same species as Matt Hancock and I was pretty offended if I'm honest.

Anyways, I returned to the jungle to catch up with Boy George and he gave me this shocking eye witness account:

"The screams were horrifying. I dropped my bowl of porridge and Eileen from EastEnders fell out of her hammock but got one foot stuck inside. We didn't know what was happening and my heart was racing.

"'Oh my god, it touched me! The fucking human touched me!' the scorpion cried from Matt Hancock's rucksack. 'It was disgusting!'

"We were obviously concerned so we immediately ran over to put a protective ring around Sammy, leaving Matt in isolation, saying 'Ouch'. Sammy was furiously rubbing himself with his pincers and saying: 'Soap, I need soap!' and while all this was going on, I spotted Mike Tindall snogging Gina, but Matt was too self-absorbed to notice.

"Matt was whining that he needs medical attention, but the camera crew explained there's no budget for that and there's no evidence that scorpion venom is harmful anyway. Matt was whining about how this could have happened to him so we said he should've invested in the proper PPE - gloves.

"Matt was insisting he wanted to leave the jungle, but the show's producers weren't having any of it. They told Matt that being stung is no different to getting the flu and that he's an essential worker so they couldn't let him quit when there are trials to be done. There is no furlough scheme for essential workers. They told him to think of it like Eat Out to Help Out, only he'll be eating witchetty grubs. He asked if he could eat anything nicer, so they said not unless you're prepared to walk six hundred miles to the nearest foodbank. To be fair, they fucking owned him there!

"Anyways, we turned our attention to the poor scorpion because he was freaking out and saying: 'What if I've caught a deadly virus? I have three hundred and seventy six children!' Charlene was trying to console him when Matt yelled: 'You'll be fine! Viruses only kill the old and disabled and no one cares about those. It's me who should be worried!'

"As you can imagine, the scorpion was not impressed and accused Matt of needlessly jeopardising scorpion lives, which is a fair point to be honest. And yet Matt still made it all about him.

"He was crying in his hammock and saying his finger is about to fall off, so we helpfully reminded him only a tiny percentage of the population were affected by this sting - just one individual as it happens - and therefore no one cares. What matters is the jungle economy - and the scorpion, of course.

"We watched helplessly as Sammy was rushed away in an ambulance and questions needed to be answered, so we asked the producers why a dickhead like Matt was even allowed on the show. 

"The producers explained they actually wanted Ian Huntley so he could show everyone he's sorry and he's just a plucky nerd who's willing to eat emu butt to redeem himself. Unfortunately, Ian wasn't available so they found the next worst thing to take his place - Matt.

"'Everyone loves a good redemption arc,' the producers insisted, but at this point the other scorpions had come in search of answers.

"'Are you seriously kidding me?' one of them growled. 'You jeopardised our safety for a bloody redemption arc?' The producers just shrugged. All these people care about is ratings and I can't imagine anyone thinks Matt has redeemed himself. I think if anything, he's shown himself to be more of a dickhead than ever."

Boy George is getting no argument from me there because Matt Hancock has once again shown himself to be a monumental twat. Thankfully, Sammy the scorpion is now out of hospital and I understand he's been catching up with Steve the saltwater crocodile. I think the two of them are bonding over their shared trauma which is nice to hear. Hopefully, we will see Sammy in the House of Lords soon x

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