Only major economy set to shrink in 2023 insists Brexit is going brilliantly

Brexit is going brilliantly, isn't it? Everyone's favourite vampire Jacob Rees-Mogg has confirmed it's going "swimmingly", Tim Martin has announced he's closing 40 Wetherspoons pubs and Rishi Sunak insists we are already seeing "significant benefits" which just happen to look exactly like Project Fear said they would. 

For example, "cheaper food prices after Brexit" quickly became a 16.7% increase and "unleash Britain's potential" quickly became £100 billion a year lost from the economy! Brexit is going so well, the UK is expected to be the only major economy to shrink in 2023 according to the IMF.

Post-Brexit Britain is a thriving place of -0.6% growth where every worker is standing on a picket line because they object to abject poverty, and morgues are so full, we're just waiting for the dead to rise and seek their vengeance. However, I understand the DWP is ready to rule them fit for work and force those lazy bastards to break the strikes. Personally, I think zombies teaching in schools would be a brilliant idea...

So yeah, those Brexit opportunities just keep coming. Former Tory donor Guy Hands is certainly a Brexit fan: 

"It’s been a complete disaster. The reality is it’s been a lose-lose situation for us and Europe. Europe has lost more but we’ve lost as well. And the reality of Brexit was, it was just a bunch of complete and total lies.

"The biggest issue about it, and you can take the Brexit bus as a good example, is the lies that Boris Johnson and the Conservative Party told about the NHS. In fact what they did was throw the country and the NHS under the bus."

So Guy is definitely still a believer then and so he should be. Brexit is going so well that 43% of the public still support it, which is my preferred way of saying 57% wish to rejoin the EU and they don't count! What matters is the will of the people who think like me. 

What's particularly interesting is that Brexit is hurting the UK more than western sanctions are hurting Russia and this is what makes us better than them. We are not weak enough to allow other countries to destroy our economy with sanctions, we would much rather do it to ourselves!

Speaking of Russia, Boris Johnson claims Putin threatened him with a missile strike before changing his mind to the dismay of everyone in the UK. However, it's implausible that Putin threatened to nuke Johnson because he's spent too much money bribing Tories and getting his mates into the House of Lords to throw it all away now. Johnson is one of Putin's key investments and this makes him one of the safest politicians on Earth... until he's served his purpose.

This may shock you, but it looks like double agent Johnson was lying again to mask his undercover activities and this was totally unexpected. We had gone literally weeks without hearing a Johnson lie, although to be fair, that's just because we'd not heard him say anything. And then the moment we did hear him say something, he came out with this:

BREAKING: Boris Johnson has disgracefully called for Ukraine to be accepted into the EU. Does he not care about their "sovereignty"? Does he not understand they won't be able to choose the colour of their passports? What about their fishing industry? 😭😭😭

— Laura Kuenssberg beyond parody (@LKTranslator) February 2, 2023

Honestly, I'm so confused I don't even know how to spin this one. Perhaps it's one of those 4-d chess moves I'm too simple to understand...

Anyways, Brexit is achieving its goals so well that Guy Verhofstadt said Putin might not have invaded Ukraine without it, which is interesting because I thought lefties were supposed to be the Putin enablers. It's so exhausting constantly flipping between Russia/the EU being our enemy/friend, but what matters is Putin pays well and you don't want to know what kompromat he has. The footage of Johnson pissing himself while wearing spandex like Dafydd from Little Britain is still giving me nightmares!

As you can imagine, Vladimir is thrilled the UK's total trade as a percentage of GDP is lagging behind the G7 and we are short of 330,000 workers. That thing I said about our economic woes being self-inflicted might not be entirely true because our biggest decisions appear to have come from the Siberian Military District (a region as cold as Suella Braverman's heart).

There could be problems ahead for Putin though because his assets in the UK are not exactly performing as expected. Thanks to public pressure from wokerati do-gooders, Rishi Sunak has been forced to sack every government minister who has exploited tax loopholes, including himself. This means we don't have a functioning government anymore or even high-ranking officials prone to bribery and this situation is unusual for the UK.

What makes it particularly tragic is we only had Brexit so we could avoid paying taxes and now that's becoming almost impossible. Rishi even sacked King Charles after he inherited land worth £650 million and decided not to pay his inheritance tax. Presumably this means we no longer have an unelected head of state, unless I've misinterpreted what's happening which seems highly unlikely.

Personally, I'm appalled at everything that I've not bothered to double-check because I overheard Fiona Bruce and Emily Maitlis gossiping in the work canteen - and I'm extremely adept at jumping to conclusions.

Everyone knows the people who are least willing to pay their taxes are the most patriotic and Rishi Sunak is so patriotic, he allegedly owned £380 million of shares in Moderna (via Theleme Partners) when he purchased their vaccine as chancellor. No wonder the UK has plunged to its lowest-ever position in the Corruption Perceptions Index!

Rishi won't say if he's still connected to Theleme Partners - the investment firm he co-founded, just like Johnson won't say if he's still connected to Russian oligarchs, but I hope Rishi made a few quid out of this dodgy deal because otherwise he might have to use a food bank.

In all seriousness, we need to stop holding our politicians to account for their dual loyalties and unbridled corruption. I mean who is going to build those 49 new hospitals the Tories said were drawn up and ready to go? One of Rishi's last acts before firing himself was to insist our bedrooms become hospital wards and I don't remember reading this on the side of the Brexit bus.

What could go wrong in this desolate country where crumbling roads lead to leaky terraces, and mould crawls up walls like it's not the landlord's job to make your homes even vaguely habitable? Hospital was a place where you could recuperate from the trauma of living at home; soon it will be the place where minor injuries get infected with the Cordyceps fungus.

Now I might be a superstar TV host, but even my bedroom is a bloody tip and I'd rather not have nurses visiting the next time I get drunk and break my leg falling down the BBC steps as I finish work. Okay, you can stop judging me now, it's only happened twice and I'd prefer it didn't happen a third time, thank you!

If I'm out of action, they might give my job to a real journalist like Susanna Reid who called out Matt Hancock's Covid lies and lockdown breaches on Good Morning Britain. Let's be honest, Matt has caused more death and destruction in the UK than Putin could ever dream of causing. Personally, I'm glad he got his I'm a Celeb money as a reward, but Susanna was not so sympathetic.

She brutally pointed out that Matt wasn't a metre away from Gina during lockdown, prompting Matt to explain he's been through it "endlessly" and that he's not sure what the lockdown rules were at the time. Susanna highlighted the absurd contradiction as Matt squirmed like he always squirms when he's interviewed by a woman and gets a nervous boner.

Susanna offered a painful reminder that journalism can be done in this country and Tories can be held to account, but she won't be so smug when she's sitting beside Carol Vorderman on the next flight to Rwanda, will she? What do you mean Rwanda would be an upgrade from post-Brexit Britain? All this "journalism" has clearly been rotting your brains!

Thankfully, we have heroes like Nadhim Zahawi who has refused to resign as an MP so he can raise concerns about "media conduct" after journalists had the nerve to scrutinise his tax affairs. If we've learnt one thing from this sorry mess, it's that politicians should not be scrutinised because that's how we find out they're all traitors and crooks. And we would be much better off living in denial until the day nukes conclude the Tory-Brexit apocalypse.

Truly this is what it means for this wretched island to "take back control". I don't know about you, but I for one am loving all of this Sovereign Tea x

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