Nadhim Zahawi to be appointed as government's ethics adviser

Following the disgraceful witch hunt against Nadhim Zahawi by journalists who weaponised the truth, and Carol Vorderman who crushed him like a bug on Twitter, the prime minister is finally addressing the situation. A number 10 source (Larry the cat) has told me that Nadhim will be appointed as the government's new ethics adviser at some point in the next two weeks, just as soon as this tax thing has blown over.

When Nadhim takes on his new role, first on the agenda will be upgrading our libel laws to ensure leftie journalists shut the fuck up and Carol Vorderman gets on the first plane to Rwanda. As an added precaution, I understand desperate calls have been made to Elon Musk to get Vorders' Twitter account permanently taken away from her. Meanwhile, Nadine Dorries has got dibs on her six boyfriends because she's fed up with drinking by herself.

Poor Rishi was forced to sack Nadhim for twice breaching the Ministerial Code by lying about using his parents to help him dodge tax in Gibraltar. As every good Tory knows, what Nadhim should have done is let his wife take advantage of non-dom status so he could avoid paying taxes the respectable way.

Having said that, it seems deeply unfortunate that Nadhim was caught out on such a minor technicality as using the wrong family members to break the law. I honestly thought it was understood that laws did not apply to people who recently almost became prime minister, but the woke mob have made accountability trendy for some reason. Perhaps Nadhim needs to eat a kangaroo's dick on national TV before he can earn their forgiveness.

In his resignation letter, Nadhim was quick to explain how much he loves this country because his tax dodging was entirely patriotic, and if it wasn't for those meddling journalists demanding truth and accountability, he would still be Tory Party chair.

Insufferable lefties have pointed out that Nadhim did not apologise in his resignation letter, but it's abundantly clear that he's very sorry he got caught and that's what matters. Nadhim clarified there is no point in paying taxes because the government would only waste the money on trips to Ukraine for Zelensky's number one stalker Boris Johnson. I think this is a perfectly valid point.

If Nadhim has made one mistake, it's pointing out that he arrived in the UK fleeing persecution and speaking no English, prompting Suella Braverman to demand an inquiry into how he slipped through the net. Steam could be seen coming from her ears when she was told he didn't take refuge in the nearest safe country and she still couldn't deport him.

Nadhim knows what it's like to live in a dangerous hell hole where poverty is rife, public services are non-existent, children go hungry, the government cracks down on human rights and officials are utterly corrupt, having lived in the UK for the past 46 years. Prior to that, he was living in Baghdad where danger hangs in the air like the aroma from a Thérèse Coffey sewage discharge. It remains unclear why he was allowed to come from a bad situation into a worse one.

This oversight has prompted the Home Office to release a statement in which they clarify it's highly illegal for foreigners who can't speak English to come to the UK, fleeing persecution. There is now concern that Braverman could get Zahawi's appointment as ethics adviser blocked because while tax dodging is patriotic, being a refugee is completely unethical x

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