Liz Truss planning leadership bid that absolutely no one asked for!

It's finally happening! The comeback that absolutely no one asked for! I'm so excited I could explode!

Yes, the Trussbot has actually been wheeled out of her cupboard at Tory HQ and restarted her Whatsapp group of ERG fucknuggets who so admirably destroyed the economy in September, leaving ordinary people on the brink of homelessness with unaffordable mortgages and energy bills, thanks to our 3,000% inflation rate! The world had not seen such an impressive economic plan since Robert Mugabe was in charge of Zimbabwe and people had to ditch their wallets for wheelbarrows.

Officially, the Trussbot hopes to lobby the Tory government for the same tax cuts that brought on the Truss-ocalypse (that's the technical term, I believe) and also start a war with China to keep people distracted from their frozen nether regions jangling like musical triangles while they live off store-brand baked beans and whatever out-of-date crap they could find on the discount shelf. 

But unofficially Liz is OBVIOUSLY planning a leadership challenge. I think I just peed myself!

Liz would like you to know she is highly concerned about China's human rights record as her party takes away your right to strike/protest and gives police who can't investigate Tories retrospectively the power to pre-emptively arrest you for crimes they expect you to commit (pre-crimes). Minority Report is here folks and let's be honest, no other party could have dragged the nation kicking and screaming into this mass-surveillance era in such an exciting fashion.

Although strong progress is being made, Liz is such a perfectionist, she is still concerned the UK is not moving into the hands of Earth-destroying mega-corporations quickly enough. Everyone knows libertarian post-apocalypses are more exciting than authoritarian dystopias and we really should be bringing the transition period forward. With this in mind, Liz will tomorrow outline where she believes Rishi Sunak is going wrong by failing to sufficiently exacerbate the catastrophic economic damage she has caused.

Worryingly though, her words will probably be disregarded by any lifeform with a brain more complex than a dust mite's, which includes about 4.5% of Tory voters. It is therefore imperative the Tories with the deepest pockets and simplest brains rally together to stave off the threat of humans who are vaguely self-aware and have the slightest sense of compassion.

If you thought the damage Liz caused to the UK economy was dramatic enough, just wait until you see the carnage she plans to inflict upon the wider world. Soon you'll be wading through radioactive ash below swirling green clouds as you hunt two-headed pigeons with a hand-crafted harpoon gun that you had no idea you were self-sufficient enough to make. It's amazing what you can achieve when motivated by nuclear famine.

Don't you worry about the people who matter though: the super-rich and their soulless propagandists will be just fine. I can confirm the Musk 1 Mars colony is almost ready and by the 2030s, we shall be leaving our shitshow behind in those Tesla spaceships that I hope are more reliable than the randomly exploding electric cars.

Before we get to nuclear war and Earth exodus though, Liz has plenty of poverty and torment planned for the hapless residents of the UK. For example, she would like to defy morality and reason by creating an even smaller state for the final 15 years of its existence (the Turd Reich). Yes, at a time when we're seeing 3,000 excess deaths a week in a collapsing NHS and Universal Credit claimants are pondering which child to sell to the circus to keep the British Gas bailiff at bay, Liz is demanding EVEN MORE CUTS!

Liz is deeply concerned about the tax burden for rich people while Shell accumulates more wealth than is held by several fire-breathing dragons and the cave where Aladdin found his lamp. Yes, it's corporate executives who are struggling right now and we should do whatever we can to ease their burden.

I understand Liz was even ruminating the possibility of a King Herod-style massacre of the innocents to stop fork-wielding northern populations from demanding more benefits. Her party has already killed off one-in-three care home residents and a ton of disabled people from the anti-growth coalition - children and the unemployed are the obvious next targets. Basically, any non-rich person who doesn't pay tax is in the firing line of the Trussbot's merciless laser eyes.

It's impressive that so many MPs still believe in Liz's laser-guided vision for the UK, given how she only lasted about a month and a half as prime minister, but these sociopaths that you twisted little weirdos elected are nothing if not committed. That resignation speech where Liz ummed like a five-year-old girl who was more lost than an Australian capsule of Caesium-137 has already been well and truly forgotten.

Personally, I think the Tories should reinstall the Trussbot's speech files and corrupted leadership program, make her prime minister again and call an immediate general election. I'm absolutely confident this will work out brilliantly x

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