Some of you might be upset to hear that Boris Johnson never really had the 100 nominations to run for Tory leader and was in fact lying. I know, I was shocked too. It's so out of character for him, but he's been through a lot of stress recently, which is why he's been recuperating on a beach.

Boris made those nominations up (apart from 30p Lee who is sadly real) to create a sense of inevitability because he was determined to make it across the line. He just needed those imaginary backers to become real backers and so he tried desperately to bribe 99 Tory MPs. (Sadly, he could not find any Russian donors to pay up on his behalf this time.)

Boris actually confessed to me that he has a closer relationship with his 99 imaginary backers than he does with his 100 real children and I can totally understand this. Imagine having to remember that many birthdays. It's just not worth the effort. 

Anyways, Boris' 100 children might hate him, but the racists in the country certainly don't, such as the recent LBC caller who explained British-born Rishi isn't British because he's brown and foreign-born Boris is British because he's white! Rishi might be the brains of the operation, but Boris' whiteness means he loves the country more apparently.

Clearly, what this country needs is a combination of brains and love though, and on that front, I have some excellent news: Boris and Rishi came to an agreement which was as follows:

If Boris won the leadership race, Rishi would resume his old role as chancellor, and if Rishi won, Boris would resume his old role of shagging waitresses and flying off to the Caribbean. 

This meant that whatever happened, Rishi would be running the economy and Boris would also be doing what Boris always does. 

Well, now that Boris has dropped out, I can confirm that nothing actually changes. It's going to be just like old times. The dream team is back and this means the Privileges Committee is doomed!

The only thing that could possibly throw a spanner in the works now is Penny Mordaunt winning the leadership contest, but she only has about 28 nominations. It's a bit embarrassing really.

If you doubted that Boris 2.0 was serious about his comeback, he's actually been spotted out and about with his shirt tucked in today. He's even promised to brush his hair and pull his zip up, although pulling his zip up might be a bit of a stretch.

And to think, some people were upset about Boris pulling out because he'd earlier promised: "Johnsons are not for pulling out. My father Stanley never pulled out and I won't pull out either!" x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend x