Not bragging or anything, but as the nation's foremost Tory mouthpiece, I have been given an exclusive first look at our new prime minister's cabinet reshuffle and it makes for truly exciting reading. I'm actually giddy! Am I allowed to be giddy? Because I am.
James Cleverly said that Sunak has to get the best 15 players on the pitch and he definitely has, which is why James has not been offered any role. James was understandably distraught at this news because when he spoke about the best 15 players, he was obviously including himself, but the new manager is a ruthless bastard and not keen on scoring own goals.
Rishi is going to meet fellow unelected multimillionaire tax avoider King Charles today to formalise his record-breaking appointment. He will then become our first Hindu prime minister, our fourth unelected prime minister in a row, and our youngest prime minister since William Pitt the Younger in 1783, which was the year Jacob Rees-Mogg became one of the undead.
Sunak explained the Tory Party must "unite or die" and then courageously ignored screams to "let it die" from a hysterical public.
I understand Sunak has had his faulty microchip replaced and is hoping to be more human-like when he next addresses the nation. Let's be honest, his 86-second speech yesterday carried the emotional range of Arnold Schwarzenegger unflinchingly sinking into molten metal at the end of Terminator 2. Only this was the start and it was not a teenage John Connor who was screaming from the sidelines, it was the working class.
So the Rishbot is going to perfect its, I mean his, speech algorithms and then the official announcement can begin, but I desperately want to steal his thunder so let's take a look at who's in. I'm sure you will be as giddy as I am.
Immortal Bloodborne creature Jacob Rees-Mogg has been appointed as Culture Secretary because he's so in touch with the modern world, he is scheduled to get the internet 176 years from now. He already has a television about a century before they've been invented, but sadly he does not have one of those flat-screen ones yet. He'll have to wait a few more decades for one of those.
Monotone Margaret Thatcher puppet Liz Truss has been appointed as chancellor of the exchequer. As the intellectual driving force behind the last Tory government, it's only right the nation's foremost selfie expert is given another major role, and what bigger role than taking charge of the UK's finances? I'm certain Liz will be the perfect choice to repair the damage caused by Liz.
The nation's inebriated aunty Nadine Dorries has been appointed foreign secretary because who better to drink vodka in Moscow, tip over the negotiating table and threaten to kick the shit out of Putin if he doesn't increase his donations to the Tory Party and set his Twitter bots onto Keir Starmer? The government needs to rebuild its reputation on the world stage and we could not choose a more classy representative than Nadine.
Randy sun lounger enthusiast Boris Johnson is our new work and pensions secretary because he's a man who exemplifies the qualities we demand from our workforce such as unyielding dedication, professional presentation and sheer graft. He is definitely the perfect choice to kick "generation entitlement" up the backside. Boris Johnson worked incredibly hard for everything that was given to him by his wealthy parents and his wealthy donors and he needs to pass that work ethic on to our young people. I'm sure he can pull this off.
Other noteworthy appointments include half-asleep, cigar-smoking, pub bouncer Therese Coffey who is set to become energy secretary, ethical wolf of Wall Street adviser Kamikwasi Kwarteng who is set to become international trade secretary, and dinghy spotter/attempted human trafficker Suella Braverman who is set to become defence secretary.
As you can see, Rishi has gone for a cabinet of the talents, installing intellectual heavyweights into their optimal roles to get Britain booming again. I don't know about you, but I am truly excited about what the future holds for the first time in days. I hope I'm not breaking any impartiality guidelines by saying this.
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