Inflation now so bad 30p Lee has been renamed 42p Lee

I must interrupt your late-night drinking session to bring you breaking news several hours behind every other journalist in the country. Just give me a few seconds to down this bottle of wine and wipe my mouth with my sleeve... Okay, that's better.

So you've probably heard the news by now. Yes, the laziest members of our society, those non-stop drains on our nation's finances who are motivated only by insatiable greed and pathological cruelty are going on strike on 6th February.

No, not the Tories, you idiots! Jeez, you insufferable lefties can stop cheering now. Please calm down! I was actually talking about those dreadful nurses and paramedics who are preparing the biggest-ever NHS strike. Good grief!

The government has rightly pointed out that giving in to workers' demands would mean billions of pounds less cash for the NHS that it wasn't going to invest in frontline services anyway. 

As a person who will never need an ambulance and doesn't want other people to have that option, I feel it makes perfect sense to keep staff wages as low as possible. I honestly thought that's why we were clapping for them a while back. I thought it was instead of money. Seriously, I want my claps back.

Apparently, those spoilt NHS brats are whining about inflation and "PTSD" and complaining they can't pay their utility bills like that's my problem. Do they not understand inflation is hitting everyone hard?

For example, 30p Lee has been impacted so badly, he's been renamed 42p Lee, but do you see him going on strike? No! Poor Lee is scraping by with his £84,144 salary and £185,916.95 expenses. This means Lee can only afford 526,803 of his 42p meals this year. You lot don't understand poverty like Lee understands poverty and here's the proof:

Lee's Helpful Meal Plan™

Breakfast - 1 and a half wheat biscuits (store brand, water)

Dinner - stew (small serving)

Tea - 1 and a half wheat biscuits or stew (small serving)

Supper - half a packet of crisps

World-renowned nutritionist 42p Lee explained his Helpful Meal Plan™ sadly became necessary when workers became shit at budgeting sometime around 2010 for reasons unknown. Personally, I blame the woke mind virus because I'm pretty sure Meghan Markle wasn't a thing back then. 

42p Lee proved beyond doubt that food bank users are going hungry because they're stupid by introducing us to Katy - a lovely young lady who is fortunate enough to be employed by Lee and too afraid to blink that she desperately needs to be rescued.

Like all good employers, Lee shared Katy's image, salary and personal details with the world so he could take a massive shit on ordinary workers. The last time we saw a sewage discharge on this scale, Thérèse Coffey was environment secretary (no idea if she still is) and three-eyed fish were washing up on lake shores.

Lee explained that Katy is single and earns less than £30k, rents a room for £775pcm in central London, has student debt, spends £120 a month on travelling to work, saves money every month, goes on foreign holidays and does not need to use a food bank.

It's beside the point that Katy is the daughter of Brigadier David Colthup CBE and alumnus of the £20k a term St Peter's School in York. As well as having wealthy parents, Katy does not have children herself, meaning she's fortunate enough that she can rent a room, rather than an actual house, and does not have the burden of childcare costs. 

Obviously, this proves that Katy is excellent at budgeting, and if you - a poor person with a family - eat from a foodbank, it's because you are an idiot. Now go and buy yourself some 30p meals for 42p and stop whining! You seriously need to look up to those who are better at managing finances than you like Lee Anderson, Kwasi Kwarteng, or Nadhim Zahawi perhaps.

Do you ever see Nadhim eating from food banks? No, because they don't serve lobster, and anyway, his money management skills are so advanced, he can pay accountants to teach him how to take advantage of offshore tax havens. 

I understand 42p Lee walked into his local food bank yesterday to help out and yelled at everyone who wasn't exploiting Gibraltar's lenient tax rules. Damn leeches. Imagine being so lazy, you haven't bothered discussing hiding your shares in Gibraltar with your accountant to stay one step ahead of HMRC.

Now if you haven't taken the above steps because you're worried about the "legality", rather than because you're lazy, remember you have a get-out-of-jail-free card. If you get caught, just tell the authorities you're a soulless Tory parasite and they will cut you a deal!

For example, you can settle the outstanding tax bill at a 70% discount, or with any luck, you can get off scot-free by saying you had a "brief error of judgement" like Rishi Sunak when he's not wearing a seatbelt. Or Boris Johnson when Carrie catches him shagging a waitress in the restaurant toilet.

The point is we should listen to the people in charge of the country because they know how to properly manage finances. This is why they are spending more money on contingency measures than they would have spent on agreeing to striking workers' demands. They're costing the taxpayer more money and keeping the workers poorer out of pure, unadulterated spite, and if that's not economic expertise, I don't know what is.

The prime minister has explained in the strongest terms, he can't afford the needed £3.6 billion a year (which is really £1.8 billion a year) because Liz Truss spent that money 17 times (34 times) over when she got pissed with Kwasi Kwarteng one crazy weekend last year. She's such a party animal!

Lefty troublemakers on Twitter have pointed out, Rishi could save £3.2 billion a year by scrapping the non-dom tax avoidance scheme used by the super-rich, but I understand Akshata has told him "Don't you fucking dare!"

Sadly 55 NHS trusts are refusing to take the government's pure, unadulterated spite lying down so it looks like a war of attrition is coming, or is that a war of malnutrition? I guess it depends on whether or not workers are willing to follow Lee's Helpful Meal Plan™.

As we brace ourselves for the biggest-ever NHS strike, you will be relieved to hear that 42p Lee has taken a break from Twitter because he's done everything he can to help the poor and it's "too full of snowflakes" for his liking anyway. Perhaps this means Jack Monroe is pursuing him for libel again. Who knows? x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x