Matt Hancock had the Tory whip removed today after announcing he'd signed up for I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here - a TV show which features washed-up nobodies desperate to win the approval of the general public by hanging out in the Australian jungle.

It's interesting the Tory Party consider Matt's participation to be a red line. I mean sure going on TV for a few weeks when you're supposed to be working for your constituents is a piss-take, but Matt sent Covid-positive patients into care homes, committing a literal genocide. He's also the guy who was caught on camera snogging his girlfriend during lockdown when he was married, and even worse, he once got a boner while being interviewed on live TV. I can still remember the pain caused by bleaching my eyeballs. 

None of those things were red lines for the Tories, but signing up for a stint on I'm a Celebrity is. To be fair to the Tories, they'd probably heard complaints from the rats and cockroaches who did not want Matt coming anywhere near them. That really would be cruelty to animals.

There is every chance we could see Matt eating kangaroo dick in a few days and the very least we can do is vote for him to do the challenges every day. Sure, eating kangaroo dick is undignified, but it's not as undignified as simply being Matt Hancock. This would actually be a dignity upgrade so it would definitely be kind to vote for Matt to keep doing this. Think of it like rehabilitation. If we can't put Matt behind bars for the rest of his days, this is the next best thing.

One problem that might throw a spanner in the works is the other contestants such as Boy George, who've explained they might be desperate for a bit of TV exposure, but they're not that desperate. It's understood that many are questioning whether they could tolerate being in the jungle with Matt for several weeks. On the plus side, he's the best insect repellant they could ever wish to have so there is that.

There is genuine concern the contestants and the vermin might go on strike which would leave us with just Matt in a jungle by himself and while this would be very much deserved, it would make for shit TV. If this happens, I understand TV producers will just leave Matt in the jungle to find his own way home and that might actually be for the best.

I'm hearing that Boy George is demanding his appearance fees be increased if he has to "spend time with that Tory nobhead" and I'm sure this can be managed because he's only getting paid £50. Matt, on the other hand, had to pay for his slot, but I understand he's putting it on expenses. You'll be pleased to know you'll be paying his MP salary while he's in there too. 

Remember, the problem with this country is there are too many layabouts who don't want to do any work and many of them have served in government x

UPDATE: After my little rant, TV bosses contacted me to explain Matt Hancock will not be one of the contestants on the show, he will actually be one of the challenges. Contestants will be expected to sit in a "box of horrors" containing rats, snakes and Matt Hancock and see how long they can last to win food. It's expected they will likely starve because who could possibly stand this?

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