Sunday 22 January 2023

PM warns if he tackles corruption, he'll have no cabinet left


Someone called Rishi Sunak (I think he's our prime minister or something, but we've had so many this year, I'm not sure) has explained he is sadly unable to remove corrupt MPs from the cabinet because if he did that, he'd have no cabinet left. Perish the thought.

Now I might not know much about my fans (because I don't pay a blind bit of attention to you!) but I'm absolutely certain you'd all be devastated if there was no Tory cabinet. Crestfallen would be the most suitable word I think.

Without a Tory cabinet, the sewage dumping sector would likely collapse, hedge fund managers might have to get real jobs, inflation would probably be lower than 112% and poor kids wouldn't be pleadingly holding up empty bowls at school like a scene from Oliver. You understand Rishi's dilemma.

The prime minister is under incredible pressure, due to the imaginary problems caused by woke-ism and the actual problems caused by his party's chairman. Right now, his leadership is about as credible as Ghislaine Maxwell testifying for Prince Andrew that the Virginia Giuffre photo was faked. 

I understand Rishi considered sacking Nadhim Zahawi earlier today, but when he mentioned this to Nadhim, Nadhim said "no", so Rishi just shrugged and sheepishly walked away. Yes, this really happened! Robert Peston saw it with his own eyes. He said it was really embarrassing.

Not gonna lie, I'm jealous I wasn't there, but I was too busy sucking up to Rachel Johnson because her brother has a spare £800,000 at the moment (presuming he hasn't blown it all on prostitutes and birthday cakes) and I'm hoping to get back into his good books. He might buy me some new shoes if I'm lucky, but enough about me and my love life.

I'm assuming you're only here because you want the latest Downing Street gossip, so get this: failed reality TV star Matt Hancock (remember him?) met with representatives of a dodgy US tech firm, offering them your private information, Covid test results, and if I have this right, your internet browsing history. What? Why are you looking so nervous?

Unfortunately, Matt had no way of accessing your internet browsing history because he's shit with computers so his £480 million deal fell through, but at least he tried and that's what's important.

This is what I love about capitalism. Everything is for sale, even things that don't belong to you, that you have absolutely no right to sell! If you can get away with it, do it! Just don't be a gullible bloody idiot like Matt "boner" Hancock, a man so tactful he conducts his affairs in front of CCTV cameras controlled by his political enemies. 

I dread to think what the Russians have got on Matt. Absolute dipshit.

Speaking of Russians: you will be relieved to hear the government is still trying to cover up Putin's role in the 2016 Brexit referendum. Just remember, if anyone criticises the government, they are the ones who are helping Putin. This makes total sense so switch your little brains off and stop asking questions about our perfectly functioning democracy.

I forgot to say earlier, but just to let you know, for legal reasons that I don't understand, Nadhim is still saying his tax dodging was "careless rather than intentional", even though only 1.1% of my followers believe him, according to a Twitter poll I did (I'm very tech savvy and you lot are cynical). Nadhim also explained that when he used lawfare to intimidate journalists who were talking about him, this was "careless but not unintentional" and he will sue anyone who suggests otherwise. You have been warned.

If a single mother accidentally claimed £20 million in Universal Credit, Daily Mail readers would be outside her council flat with pitch forks and the Tax Payers' Alliance would be demanding a return of workhouses, but fortunately, Nadhim is far less important than a single mother so he is held to a much lower standard.

Remember, it's important we preserve this government because it keeps coming up with brilliant ideas that Labour couldn't come up with like fining people for missing doctor's appointments, meaning the poor get punished twice for the government's crap public transport system. 

The government is even talking about charging money for using Accident and Emergency which is already paid for through taxation. Aren't these double punishments for poor people brilliant?

If you're one of those poor people though, you can console yourself with the fact King Sausage Fingers is planning an "inclusive coronation" this year. I'm sure you'll feel included when you're paying for the billionaire to have a party you're not invited to that, let's be honest, is going to be boring and full of weirdos that no normal person would want to be around. Just wait until you find out how much Charles' diamond-encrusted party hat is worth!

If we're brilliant at doing one thing in this country it's "pomp" (whatever the hell that means). If we're brilliant at doing another thing, it's giving money to wealthy people for absolutely no reason.

For example, if I have this right, we gave Zelensky botherer Boris Johnson an £800,000 loan for no reason, other than he wanted to buy some gourmet takeaways, and this loan was secured with the help of a guy who was made BBC chairman a week later as a reward. You will be pleased to know I invited Boris' sister onto my TV show to explain there is definitely nothing to see here while I nodded along. I'm so good at scrutinising the rich and powerful!

By the way, in case you didn't know, my TV show is called Laura Kuenssberg because that's my name and I wanted everyone to know it because I want to be famous. You should watch it on Sundays when you're hungover because it's brilliant and my nasal voice definitely won't make your headache worse because my performances are first-class. 

I'm so convincing, half the Tory dipshits in the country have convinced themselves I'm a real journalist. Can you believe that? x

In Nadhim's defence (and so he doesn't sue me), I must say he is one of the least corrupt members of the cabinet, which contains at least six murderers, as well as Leaky Sue, professional sewage discharger Thérèse Coffey and a bunch of people I've never heard of but look well dodgy in their pictures on the official parliament website. Do. Not. Visit. That. Place! Honestly, you'll have nightmares.

Anyways, if we sacked Nadhim for what he's done, then to be consistent, we'd have to put Suella Braverman into a giant cannon and fire her into Thérèse Coffey and I dread to think what horrors would be unleashed in the ensuing explosion. What if the fragments turn into mini-Thérèses that grow until they are Thérèse-sized and Thérèse ends up with an army of clones that crush everything in their path? I think this scenario is plausible and I seriously don't want to find myself in that horror movie so I'm staying quiet. Holding Tories to account is a dangerous business, folks.

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise. Writing is my full-time job, meaning I am so broke and without this blog supplementing my income, I cannot pay the bills! x


2 comments:

Anonymous said...

Different class. All pure fact brilliantly put. Love your style

Anonymous said...

Admire your work ,so informative, keep at it.

Popular Posts