Rishi Sunak says he will not attend COP27 this year because his donors from the energy industry who paid him £141,000 last year (and his party £1.4 million in three years) don't want him to go. On their instruction, he has ordered our other unelected leader King Charles not to attend either. Outrageously, SNP leader Nicola Sturgeon plans to attend and she has been warned Scotland could be kicked out of the United Kingdom as punishment.

Before we go any further, I must issue a correction because I'd reported in a previous article that Rishi was not going to COP27 because it's being held in Sharm El-Sheik and Jacob Rees-Mogg is jealous because he hasn't been allowed out in sunlight for 200 years. This claim was only half true and I apologise wholeheartedly for not providing you with a full and accurate picture. I always endeavour to maintain the highest journalistic standards and on this occasion I sadly fell short. I have therefore made a donation to Jacob's local blood bank.

Anyways, Rishi is playing interesting games because he'd earlier pledged to keep the ban on fracking and honour our net-zero pledges that Liz Truss had so valiantly scrapped because she wanted to create a better world for our grandkids.

You could be forgiven for thinking Rishi had joined Nadine in the wokerati, but not so fast there. Rishi will not attend COP27 because those idiots are demanding we transition to cheap, clean electricity that would hit corporate profits. He is safeguarding his rich mates from all the people who want breathable air because let's face it, a planet that's not built on extortionate profiteering is not a planet worth having.

Rishi has confirmed he is too busy with "domestic priorities" such as demoting COP President Alok Sharma and Climate Minister Graham Stuart. You will be pleased to know neither of these woke weirdos will be attending cabinet meetings in the future. We still have to play the game though because let's face it, politics is a minefield and we must show the international community we are doing something.

The government therefore awarded a £70 billion net-zero contract to a tiny company called Place Group whose only experience was in education and had written out their plans on the back of a napkin. This is the type of cronyism I can get behind because it should theoretically keep the latte drinkers off our backs, but unbelievably the Good Law Project is demanding a judicial review. We really should ban any project that demands good law.

Right now, Rishi is caught between two worlds - the world of Greta Thunberg's underage terrorists and the world of Tufton Street climate sceptics, but I'm certain he will go in the right direction. After all, there is no chance of Greta putting money into his pocket and Rishi really wants to turn that £730 million into a billion. It must be so humiliating that he's the poor one in his peer group. He must feel like such a loser.

If you're still not convinced, you will be reassured that Rishi has consistently voted against measures to prevent climate change or at least abstained. I'm therefore holding out hope the ban on fracking can be lifted and people will be able to light the fumes by striking a match above their kitchen sink. It's a fun, if terrifying game!

The BBC has shamefully reported that switching from fossil fuels to renewable energy could save the world $12 trillion by 2050, according to a study from Oxford University. The study insisted it was wrong and pessimistic to suggest a transition to clean energy would be too expensive. I'm sure Rishi will be looking at harshly punishing the communists who've infiltrated his place of education.

Let's not forget Rishi scrapped the green homes grant, wants to open up oil and gas licenses in the North Sea, and is keen to maintain Liz Truss's ban on solar farms. All perfectly sensible positions.

The UN might be demanding a 43% reduction in CO2 emissions, but Rishi is confident he can help the world achieve its current trajectory of a 10.6% increase. After all, why would you want less of anything? Less is for losers and Britain intends to be world-leading, just like in the days of empire when we fucked up half the planet x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend x