My sources in the Kremlin and Downing Street have told me Vladimir Putin is not a happy bunny at the minute. After spending a fortune sponsoring the Conservative Party and getting one of his chums into the House of Lords, he finally managed to hack the phone of a Tory MP. Only, sadly for Vlad, he hacked the most useless one - the former prime minister.

If you've ever seen the Hitler tantrum in the movie Downfall, that's basically what Vlad was like after monitoring Liz Truss's phone for nine solid months, only to find 17,142 selfies of her trying on hats and not a lot else. All he wanted was one thing, just one compromising piece of information he could blackmail her with.

One time he thought he'd found some useful intelligence and it turns out Liz had contacted the wrong leader about the Russian invasion. She was meant to text Zelensky, but instead, she got Austrian prime minister Karl Nehammer and told him she would never recognise Russian sovereignty over the Voronezh and Rostov regions, again. All that followed from that point was confusion and gobbledegook.

I understand Truss's phone is currently locked inside a safe at a secure government location. This is not necessarily for security purposes, it's just that half her texts were barely readable and MI5 is yet to find a linguist who can work out what the fuck she was trying to say.

At one point, Putin thought he'd finally got a breakthrough because Truss received a rather personal message from Kwasi Kwarteng. He was left both scarred at what he'd witnessed and jubilant at the progress so he made a video call to Downing Street. 

Putin attempted to blackmail Truss by threatening to make the contents of that message public, unless Truss shorted the pound, collapsed pension funds and left the UK at serious risk of blackouts. 

Truss just laughed in a manner that was barely recognisable as a laugh and explained Kwasi is already working on that. She was amused to share the same goals as someone who was supposed to be her mortal enemy and wondered if this might lead to future business opportunities.

Vlad punched the video screen and disconnected the call. He'd spent all that time and money trying to infiltrate the UK government and he needn't have bothered. Truss was potentially more damaging than any weapon of mass destruction he could build, but he just couldn't control her. This is because she was so robotic, she was immune to blackmail, couldn't understand complex instructions and was liable to malfunction at any given moment. 

You could've been forgiven for thinking Truss came off the Moscow conveyor belt, but it turns out she was built at Tory HQ for a low cost and extremely high budget. This is because Serco got the contract and they pocketed the change again.

This incidentally is why Boris Johnson and Simon Case covered up the fact Truss had been compromised to help her leadership campaign. They knew she was no use to Putin because she was no fucking use to anyone, other than Johnson who was carefully plotting his comeback.

So Putin was left in a situation where he had a nuclear launch site in 10 Downing Street, only he didn't know where it was going to detonate next. Was the Trussbot going to destroy the UK or was she going to destroy Russia entirely by accident? He just didn't know. It was a nightmare.

As a result, Putin was as relieved as everyone else when the Trussbot was deactivated. I think I was the only one who was sad because she gave me so much writing material. Anyway, all this only came out because Putin decided to put all the information, including the contact details of 25 cabinet members, on sale online for £6.49 and you're probably thinking I'm joking about this part, but Google it. This really happened! x

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