Idiots agree Richard Madeley is right about everything

Every society needs its hero and finally we have found ours.

Step forward Richard Madeley.

Fake tan enthusiast.

Fireproof hair-piece wearer. 

Hater of ordinary workers.

Master of self-awareness.

As one of the hardest-working and most self-sacrificing individuals of recent decades, Richard has garnered attention by courageously castigating those lazy union types who will never know the struggle of a cushy studio job with a six-figure salary that can still pay the average heating bill. Richard's recent TV performances have been on a par with history's great orators, demonstrating sage-like wisdom with a gravitas and grasp of poetry that would leave even Martin Luther King jr starry-eyed.

For example, in a spectacular outburst that truly sent shivers down the spineless, Richard articulated that our great prime minister Rishi Sunak cannot possibly be expected to wait in Accident and Emergency for seven hours because he has "three or four" cars. It's a simple fact of life that the higher your CO2 emissions, the more you should be insulated from the consequences of your catastrophic failings. Just because Rishi imposed suffering on you, the peasantry, doesn't mean he should have to endure "poor person healthcare" himself. Please be serious, lefties.

As Richard pointed out, Rishi is extremely busy avoiding responsibility because he has donors to please and a country to run into the ground. Ordinary people famously don't have jobs or responsibilities which is why they fully deserve chronically underfunded healthcare. It's also why it's perfectly okay to leave seven-year-old snowflakes screaming in agony for two days without pain relief before an X-ray finally reveals they have a fractured ulna. Personally, I can't believe those whiny brats are expecting handouts at such an early age. We should bloody well add the hospital bill to their student loan the day they turn 18. Alternatively, we could send them up chimneys once their sawn-off arm stump has healed.

Kids today want everything the easy way and have no concept of working hard to earn nice things like Rishi's children obviously do. Fragile working-class kids just want everything handed to them on a silver plate, but it's not PC to say that apparently, which is why we have to blame immigrants and union barons for their shortcomings.

Thank God for Richard Madeley and his unnerving ability to say what we're all thinking by having absolutely no filter or sensitivity whatsoever. If Richard (Dick to his friends) keeps going at this rate, he might just take my place as the UK's finest national treasure. That's a bold suggestion, I know, but as well as being an outstanding journalist, Richard is also an agony aunt for The Telegraph in which he answers questions that truly matter, such as, and I quote: 

"Trying on my girlfriend's clothes is turning me on. Should I tell her?"

Few among us could even begin to tackle such a poignant question with the depth and nuance that it genuinely deserves. Truly Richard is one of the great intellects of our time, like one of those figures from a bygone era whose insights have pervaded through the ages, a Greek philosopher for the modern age, or perhaps a wimpy middle-class gammon with a vague air of respectability. Okay, not a gammon so much as an overcooked slice of venison, but you get the picture.

Only a towering figure such as Richard could boldly challenge Prince Harry over the racism accusations he allegedly made against the royal family after they were racist towards his wife and child. As a fake tan aficionado, Richard is clearly the perfect person to discuss the issues that affect people of colour. After all, his skin glows brighter than the sun even before he's vented his gammon, I mean venison rage like a yelping Jack Russell terrier.

Richard recently channelled his inner-Mandela to explain it's totally wrong for anyone to defend their family from racism and bullying and I for one could not agree more. Nelson might have served 27 years in prison for his principles, but Richard evaded prison after being arrested 28 years ago when he fancied a bottle of wine. I know who my number one anti-racism icon is.

Nobody else has stood up for people of colour, okay, crimson people, and nobody else has courageously defied unions like Richard who sacrifices his dignity for the greater good every time he faces off against Mick Lynch. Richard truly is the Piers Morgan of Jeremy Clarksons and he has gone to pains to explain that he is politically neutral in a time when everyone is so damn polarising. This is why he always takes the Tory side of any dispute and attacks ordinary people with the self-awareness of a pigeon shitting on a chessboard and pecking at a bishop.

In these nightmarish woke times when lefties control everything from the government to the media to James Hewitt's secret son, thank God for neutral conservative TV presenters like Richard unflinchingly defending the Tory Party from unwashed teenagers who don't want the ice caps to be melted because they hate The S*n that much. God only knows what they think of The Daily Mail.

While commie twenty-somethings are putting avocado in their fancy coffees and spending £700 a month on Netflix instead of paying their £10.99 energy bills, journalists like Richard are doing their utmost to ensure the Tories force through anti-union legislation which is obviously the only way to defeat Putin. 

Zelensky is wiping a tear from his eye as he reflects upon this touching gesture while bullets whiz past him and rockets explode in the distance as smoke fills the horizon. "Thank God for the Richards of this world," he says, gripping his assault rifle tightly, knowing he has the easy job and it's the Richards who are putting themselves on the line.

Not only is Richard tormenting Putin as badly as he torments Judy, he is helping Rishi protect rich people from the existential threat known as "taxation". A threat even deadlier than nuclear armageddon, but thankfully one that Rishi has so far managed to evade, thanks to skilful use of his wife's non-dom status and illegal business ties with Russia. Remember though, it's the unions who are helping Putin, not the tax dodgers with a secret office in central Moscow.

The nation's double standards must be maintained at all costs and journalists like Richard and myself come pretty cheaply when you're worth £700 million and have a pathological desire to hit the billion mark so your super-rich friends stop referring to you as "the poor one". Our Whatsapp conversations have basically revolved around how can we bring back slavery in a way that can be sold to the public as "modernisation".

With this in mind, the Tories want to force workers to maintain minimum service levels and sack people who refuse to work, but this has made Jacob Rees-Mogg rather nervous because if that rule was applied to parliament, he could get in trouble for sleeping on the benches. As you can see, those double standards are going to be utterly essential in a time when "union barons" pose much more of a threat to our way of life than the likes of Baroness Michelle Mone. If they had their way, £200 million PPE scandals would be nigh on impossible to accomplish.

It's down to us government propagandists to explain that nurses are recklessly leaving the NHS short-staffed by striking and the best way to fill vacancies is to sack those nurses if they continue striking. This will leave the NHS in a much stronger position and is absolutely in no way an attempt to destroy it. Well, not until the unions have been destroyed first by bosses suing them into bankruptcy.

It's vital for stupid people to understand British workers must be stopped from striking because they keep winning pay rises that we insisted there was no money for and this means less in the bonus pot for executives. Crushing unions is democracy in action, a way of giving a voice to the voiceless, but our forethinking prime minister wants to go a step further by letting courts grant injunctions banning strikes. So keen on democracy is our prime minister that he even wanted to ban certain industries from unionising, but unfortunately lawyers explained such a move would be "illegal". Good job we have workarounds, eh?

Going forwards the only strikes that will be considered acceptable are the ones that aren't disruptive and have the prior approval of employers, kind of like booking work holidays which the government is also looking at scrapping. And we can't have any disruptive strikes against that, can we? This is precisely where soulless TV ghouls have a vital role in shaping the minds of the stupidest citizens of our democracy. And our favourite slice of overcooked venison truly appeals to the stupidest citizens of all.

As the least dignified member of our Tory propagandist Whatsapp group, Richard Madeley can get the above points across more shamelessly than any other individual. Honestly, I'm in awe of his ability to interview himself while his guests struggle to get a word in edgeways and I see him almost as a role model or mentor. Just don't tell Judy how badly he's been flirting with me because it might give her hope that she could one day escape him x

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