As many of you know, I am currently mourning the shock deactivation of the Trussbot. This was a move absolutely no one saw coming and so many of us are still reeling from the upsetting news. While those insensitive leftie bastards mock us, it's important we are here to share one another's pain so we can get through this difficult time.

It is incredibly important at moments like this that we share the good news, the glimmers of hope that can chase away the darkness and keep the misery at bay. It is therefore with a mixture of great joy and intense sadness that I can announce the King is making a return.

That's right, Parody Boris Johnson is running for prime minister again! We can only hope he doesn't brush his hair.

As many of you know, Boris and I had a thing for quite a while. Well, I say thing, it was rather one-sided if I'm honest. I would swoon over him during interviews and try to touch his leg and the moment we were done, he'd be off chasing one of his secretaries again. This is how he fell for... Carrie. Shudder.

Anyways, where was I?

Oh yes, the King wants to return.

"I can save the party from electoral wipeout," Johnson said, privately urging MPs to nominate him, reminding them he's the only candidate with a public mandate and overlooking the fact most people fucking hate him.

Johnson might be going with the line only he can win the next election, but I seriously doubt he's putting his party first, if I'm honest. I think he's more motivated by the fact Carrie is threatening to dump him and she's desperate to be reunited with that fucking wallpaper.

Interestingly, Johnson never attended a single one of the Trussbot's votes, despite backing her to become leader. This is because he's been plotting his comeback since before he even stepped down and he obviously didn't want to be tainted with any of that bullshit.

A cynical person might suggest he programmed the Trussbot to be a fucking disaster and then back her to become PM so he could swoop in like a hero and clean up the mess, but I don't believe that. The Trussbot and I had really bonded and the fact she was the shortest-serving prime minister ever is neither here nor there. She was brilliant, but the wokerati destroyed her by forcing her to do shit policies.

Excitingly, the last update I saw showed Johnson was about halfway there on nominations, putting him in the lead with Sunak in second place. Obviously, these things could change at any moment, so don't question me if this information is wrong now. I seriously can't be arsed to monitor this crap all day.

Here is where things get interesting: Johnson is reaching out to his biggest rival, Rishi Sunak, so they can reform their dream team after their big falling out. This is probably because Johnson has no fucking clue about economics and needs Rishi to do the actual work for him.

This could definitely work though. Rishi can get on with the job of dismantling our economy in a manner that seems "respectable" and Johnson can take all the credit for enriching his super-rich mates.

One of the first things Johnson will do during his comeback is stop the Privileges Committee from investigating him for lying to parliament. He will then look to dismantle the Privileges Committee and every mechanism that could hold him accountable so he can do the tough job of getting pissed at work, harassing secretaries and swanning off to the Caribbean whenever he's bored. It's going to be really exciting.

It's not all happy news though. Over 50 MPs resigned last time Johnson was in charge because they were unhappy about him "promoting a sex offender" and mumbled something about "integrity". Despite his incredibly broad vocabulary, Johnson had no idea what that word meant. Unfortunately, his vocabulary only extends to Latin and racial slurs.

Anyways, I think those 50 MPs have a good chance of defecting to Labour, the fucking glory hunters. Just because the Tories are polling at 14% now and set to lose EVERY SINGLE SEAT is no reason to defect. Loyalty to the king should come first x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend x