Bullying probe dropped after Raab puts Sunak's head down toilet

You will be relieved to hear the accusations of bullying against Dominic Raab from 24 civil servants have been sensationally dropped after it was discovered they were part of a lefty witch hunt, led by that despicable bastard Jeremy Corbyn.

(I can confirm we span the Tory Blame Wheel™ and it landed on Corbyn this time, much to the relief of Prince Harry, refugees and people on Universal Credit.)

It was alleged that government staff had been left physically sick before meetings with Raab, regularly breaking into tears and even feeling suicidal. 

These complaints had been ongoing for the past five years, shortly after Dominic arrived in the UK through a time portal and walked naked into a bar where he borrowed a helpful man's clothing and motorbike. Thankfully, the Tory Party has waited until now to address the matter because it's not like the allegations were serious or anything.

Anyways, I caught up with James Cleverly earlier, who has some sort of role in government, I can't remember what exactly, and he explained the sequence of events which led to the investigation into the Raabinator being dropped. Let me tell you, it's powerful stuff.

"The scene was harrowing. We were standing in a corridor, leaving a confused Jeremy Hunt in a conference room by himself because we were avoiding him like we always do, casually enjoying some cheese and wine, talking about the important stuff like when Molly-Mae's baby is going to arrive and how we can inflict more misery and suffering on the Welsh when Dominic Raab came marching along the corridor like he was on a mission to kill John Connor. We just froze as this terrifying robotic menace marched towards us with a face as cold as a pensioner's living room and as menacing as Nadine Dorries when she's not had her meds and someone says the words 'Channel Four'.

"We knew it was pointless trying to outrun such an unstoppable machine because we were drunk and it's not like any of us could be considered athletic. Dominic mechanically lifted his arm and to everyone's relief, his outreached hand grabbed the throat of the prime minister. Thank god he wasn't going after anyone important, I thought to myself as a hapless Rishi was dragged into the bathroom with his limbs flailing.

"For three long minutes, we waited outside and I pressed my ear against the door because I didn't want to miss anything, but all I could hear was the toilet flushing over and over again. It was grim. At least the prisoners at Guantanamo Bay were waterboarded in a dignified manner, but not our prime minister, he suffered the indignity of a flushing in Michael Gove's cocaine den.

"The flushing mercifully fell silent and I quickly pulled my ear from the door, just before the Raabinator emerged from the bathroom and marched away as devoid of emotion as Thérèse Coffey when a working-class child tells her her stomach hurts.

"Shortly behind Dominic, the prime minister emerged, dripping wet like Suella Braverman when she hears the screams of a Syrian refugee in her secret torture dungeon, but not that aroused obviously.

"Are, are you okay? I asked.

"'Um, uh, we need to drop the bullying investigation into Dominic,' Rishi said as toilet water dripped from his hair. 'The complaints against him are totally false and if this investigation continues, we risk the full wrath of SkyNet.'

"'Fuck', I said. 'SkyNet is one of the biggest Tory donors. We can't risk losing them, but we need to make it look like we're doing something, otherwise the public will maul us, and they're still mad about the tax loopholes we created for Nadhim and Akshata.'

"'Just blame everything on Jeremy Corbyn,' Rishi said. 'We've used the Meghan and Vlad excuses too many times recently.'

"So yeah, this was the story of how Dominic Raab was completely and utterly exonerated of bullying. I for one am glad we can finally put the matter to bed."

As I said before, truly powerful stuff from James Cleverly there. Given everything we've just heard, we urgently need an investigation into the behaviour of Mick Lynch. Sorry, that would be, er, Jeremy Corbyn. It's hard to keep track of the decisions of this Tory Blame Wheel™.

Anyways, in other news, the government has announced the opening of an exciting research project into the development of an artificial neural-network-based super-intelligence as well as the opening of several cybernetics manufacturing plants in Burnley and the execution of every teenager in the UK named John x

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