Elon Musk massively boosts social media platform, just not the one he owns

Elon Musk is the man responsible for record growth in the rise of a social media platform, it's just that sadly for Elon, that platform is not the one he's bought. Mastodon has gained about 500,000 new users almost overnight as normal people flee the capitalist hate fest in search of refuge. Musk's platform is a seething mass of whooping white supremacists ecstatic they've paid for a blue tick to verify their own gullibility as the ship they're on is ablaze and sinking fast.

The only Twitter users benefitting right now are the impersonators, such as the NFT scammers who imitated the official Twitter account to defraud people. Twitter Blue is a spectacular mess which was compared by one Twitter user as like "a train crash filled with glitter".

The platform is now a place where blue tick George Bush and blue tick Tony Blair boast of the death toll in Iraq while blue tick Mario gives his fans the middle-finger and blue tick Michael Fabricant is just as embarrassing as blue tick Michael Fabricant ever was. As you can see, the launch party is going brilliantly.

Elon decided to humiliate all of the new blue ticks by identifying them as knuckleheads who were willing to pay for a two-tier Twitter. For example, double-killer Kyle Rittenhouse was boasting about his blue tick as though it was legitimately awarded, but if you click on his blue tick, it gives the following message:

"This account is verified because it’s subscribed to Twitter Blue."

Why would you embarrass poor Kyle like this, Egon? Please don't take your mid-life crisis out on your biggest fans, it's so unfair. Most billionaires just buy one hundred Ferraris and have an affair with their maid.

Let's be honest, this takeover has been a monumental fuckup so far, but I'm sure your oxygen supply will be fine when you're relocated to a SpaceX Slave Colony on Mars. Mr Mollusc has an inspiring vision for humanity and the destruction of Twitter could be considered phase one.

Supreme genius Elmo decided in his wisdom to sack all of his best programmers and now he's begging them to come back because Twitter can't function for more than six months without them. I can't believe a galaxy brain like Enron didn't bother to check whether he needed these programmers before discarding them like rubbish. Imagine how embarrassing it must be for him to return to these people with his tail between his legs.

Even so, Elmo is unquestionably a genius businessman because no one could have transformed Mastodon's fortunes like he did, but things are far from perfect over there.

The biggest problem Mastodon now faces is that it's full of nice people who only want to have friendly and constructive conversations. I'm pretty sure I'm the only troll over there and it's a bit awkward to say the least. Mastodon is a proper leftie safe space with absolutely no Tories in sight. I don't think I can ever forgive Elgon for giving the lefties such a boost like this. All of us who paid £7 so we could look official as we made fun of poor people are finding very few people left to make fun of. It's a nightmare.

Right now I'm a one-woman army, but I can't even troll anyone because Mastodon is so popular the servers keep going down, thanks to the mass exodus. These Twitter escapees have a lot to answer for, but their escape should have been prevented.

Elon failed to consider his product was not a website, it was an audience of people that he was charging other people to ritually humiliate. It didn't seem to occur to him those poor people could simply walk away. Mr Free Speech Absolutist said free speech doesn't equal free reach, but he forgot the free market he claims to love also means free choice. And the product he was selling has just walked out of his business, along with the advertisers who wanted to reach them x

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