Liz Truss has been in power just three weeks and literally everything is going according to plan: the markets are in free fall, the pound is almost at parity with the dollar, and Liz has taken some fucking amazing selfies.
No wonder Liz is feeling confident about her long term prospects. She genuinely believes she could last six whole weeks as prime minister.
The way things are going, you will soon be able to buy two pounds for one dollar which is a total reverse of what it used to be! Don't worry though, the Tories have confirmed a run on the pound would only have been bad if Jeremy Corbyn did it.
Well, obviously, this is terrible for ordinary people, but let's be honest, who gives a crap about them? Absolutely no one who matters. No one who's wealthy and has a conscience and deep enough pockets to donate to the Conservatives...
Now, some of you thought things could not get any better than turds on our beaches and skyrocketing energy bills, but Liz is well and truly proving you wrong, isn't she?
Things are going so well, the Bank of England is talking about emergency measures to protect the economy from Kwasi Karteng, I mean, inflation, such as increasing interest rates. Strap yourselves in, homeowners, because your mortgage is about to go through the roof!
All you clever people who voted Tory because you were happy to screw over the working class as long as property prices kept rising are about to find out the property market is broken for you too. You're not going to be allowed to play this game anymore! In fact, you're probably going to be homeless. Isn't it brilliant?
And because there are no council houses left, you're all going to be price-gouged by commercial landlords who keep putting rents up and telling their tenants to go to food banks.
Incidentally, many of these commercial landlords happen to be either Tory donors or even Tory MPs. Are you understanding the game yet? You've been well and truly played by our media, you silly sausages!
When the economy goes into full collapse, it's not just homeowners who are going to be screwed, it's small and medium-sized business owners who will go bankrupt, only for evil mega-corporations, who coincidentally donate to the Tories, to buy everything up.
And while all this is happening, the hedge-fund managers and bankers, who, yes, you've guessed it, also donate to the Tory Party, are making a killing by betting against the pound and giving themselves huge bonuses, now the bonus cap has been lifted.
My rich mates are loving every fucking minute of this, but I bet you're not! Maybe it's time for you to stop whining and... pull yourselves up by your bootstraps...
Sorry, I'm just pulling your leg... Rest assured, plebs, Kwasi Karteng will spell out his medium-term fiscal plan eight weeks from now, making him even more optimistic than Liz.
This leaves more than enough time for the economy to collapse, your home to be repossessed, and, um, guillotine manufacturers to get back into business.
Shit, I'm thinking maybe they haven't thought this one fully through...
Yes, nationwide civil unrest is probably on its way. Fear not though, the Tories really do have a plan, I was just pulling your leg again.
What they're going to do is change prime ministers before the end of the year without you having any kind of democratic say, and then they're going to disown Liz so they can quietly loot the country while pretending to repair the damage. And if no one is convinced, you've guessed it, they will change prime ministers again - and again you will not have any democratic say. Your new ruler will be imposed on you by 80,000 senile dipshits.
Tory HQ is actually making preparations to have more prime ministers than Boris Johnson has mistresses between now and the next general election. At this rate, we might end up with more cabinet ministers than Boris Johnson has children x
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