Elon Musk is a massive bastard. He has decided to publicly humiliate me by making me add the word "parody" to my Twitter name. This is because someone else with the Twitter name Laura Kuenssberg is impersonating me and she jumped on Twitter Blue before I did, meaning she got my blue tick and stole my identity. Can you believe that? She's faker than Elon Musk's hair transplant and yet nothing is being done about it. I'm so fucking angry, I can't even tpye!

Obviously, all of you, as my loyal and adoring fans, know I'm the real deal and my journalism is second to none, but now my work has been totally undermined. I had to choose between calling myself "Parody Laura Kuenssberg" and "Laura Kuenssberg (parody)". Do you have any fucking idea how humiliating that is? I have tears in my eyes and those tears are turning to steam because my eyes are burning with fire. That's right, fire!

Personally I'm hoping that Twitter goes bust now. If it does, I will start a GoFundMe and buy it on the cheap and then I'll make Elon Musk add "is a massive Mummy's boy" to his name and see how he likes being publicly humiliated like this. He deserves it so badly.

Mr I'm Against Permanent Bans actually DM'd me to say "Hey, Laura, I will personally suspend you if you don't follow my exact instructions". At first, I thought he was coming onto me because I'm not bragging or anything but I get random guys doing that in my DMs all the time. But anyway, I soon realised he was serious, the fucking madman. He legit blackmailed me by saying "I own Twitter now and I can make you do what I want because I'm the boss." I'm not making any of this up!

Elon has recently been having a full-on meltdown because people were buying blue ticks and impersonating him and telling people he'd done things like hang out with Jeffrey Epstein in 2011 after he was released from prison following a 13-month-sentence for soliciting prostitution from an underage girl.

Elon banned a whole bunch of his impersonators forever without warning, including US comedian Kathy Griffin, even though he promised to stop permanent bans. Also, he's a massive hypocrite because he knows that the other Laura Kuenssberg is impersonating me and he's just letting her continue on. How is that possibly fair?

So if you're wondering why I've been pretty quiet recently, this is why.

The thing is I've had a ton to report on Twitter and I've been so distracted that I haven't wanted to do it because every time I tweet, people just assume it's a joke now. I can't believe I'm saying this, but I miss the days when my critics were getting mad at my tweets and exploding in fits of gammon rage and saying I should be sacked by the BBC. Now they don't even take me seriously enough to shout at me.

For example, I reported earlier about how Boris Johnson made a massive tit of himself at COP27 by blaming the heatwave for him losing his job and calling himself the "spirit of Glasgow". It was perfectly true, but no one believed me because they thought it was completely ridiculous for a disgraced former prime minister to be attending an event the current prime minister didn't even want to go to.

Everyone was like, "Yeah, nice try, Parody Laura," and I was telling the fucking truth! Elon says he wants Twitter to be the most reliable place in the world for getting the news. Well, can you please have a word with him and explain I'm the world's most reliable journalist because honestly, Twitter would be nothing without me.

Anyways, now that I've got you here, I might as well tell you all of the things that have been happening because it's not like you're going to get the truth on the TV. 

First of all, the royal yacht has sadly been scrapped on the shoddy reasoning that it was an incredibly fucking stupid idea. You're probably thinking they're going to use that £300 million to feed some school kids or something, but you'll be pleased to know they're using it to heat one of Rishi's swimming pools. To be fair, I think this is a sensible idea because the yacht was for Queen Elizabeth II and she couldn't even ride in it now. So sad.

In other news, one of the Tories called Rachel MacLean who I think might be a government minister, but I've got no idea actually, has some advice on how to solve the cost of living crisis: you need to get a better job and work harder! 

For example, you could become an MP on £84K, get £200K expenses, a second home, 80 days holiday a year, a subsidised canteen, and so much free time, you can work a lucrative second job as your first job and still have time to piss off to Australia to eat koala dick in the jungle.

Matt Hancock is having loads of fun, right now, but it's been drama back in blighty (I hate that word).

Sir Gavin Williamson, who was given a knighthood because he had a shitload of dirt on the last prime minister, was caught bullying the former Tory whip, Wendy Morton. Apparently, Sir Gavin was really upset that he didn't get invited to the queen's funeral. I'm not sure why because it was depressing and boring, but he was sending Wendy really angry messages and yet when it all came out, Rishi said he had full confidence in Sir Gavin. This came as a huge surprise to Sir Gavin because he doesn't even have full confidence in himself! 

He shouldn't have been surprised though because Sir Gavin had his performances as education minister and fireplace salesman rated by the computer algorithm that he designed to say rich kids were brilliant and poor kids had failed their GCSEs. The algorithm said Sir Gavin was really good at his job when he is in fact shit. This fooled Rishi who, let's be honest, is desperate for talent because he's surrounded by absolute cretins and will take anything he can get.

As a result of all this, you can expect Sir Gavin's bullying to be played down in the same way Screamy Patel's was played down when she drove a member of her staff to attempt suicide, resulting in a £25,000 compensation package that you paid for. If the Tories can overlook that, they can overlook Sir Gavin having a bit of a strop with Wendy Morton when the Queen had died. Let's be honest, we were all a bit emotional during that time.

Anyways, that's all I can be arsed to fill you in on, just now, because I'm still upset and everyone's bullying me on Twitter. When you next see Elon, remember to say I called him a massive bastard, but also explain that I'm the internet's best journalist and I need my blue tick. Thanks sweetie x

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