Experts confirm 2022 was the year we reached those unlit shitlands

So being the journalistic genius that I unquestionably am, I've only gone and come up with an idea that no one has ever come up with before. It is... wait for it... a review of the year! Now if you're unsure of what a review of the year entails, it's basically where I review what happened in the year. Isn't that clever? Just don't expect any of this stuff to be in chronological order because a lot of shit happened and there is no way in hell I'm checking all the dates. What do you think I am? A real journalist?

Anyways, 2022 was a truly incredible year. So many great things happened in the UK that I really don't know where to begin, but what better way than to celebrate our beautiful waterways being greatly enhanced by the stewardship of that green goddess Thérèse Coffey? Our rivers are now a dazzling spectacle of condoms and tampons, our lakes a reddish sludge with fish corpses lining the shores, and our beaches are adorned with liquefying turds and glittering microplastics. 

2022 was truly the year we reached those unlit shitlands.

Now Thérèse Coffey as environment secretary was definitely the best appointment since Thérèse Coffey as health secretary because no one else has the talent and intellect to do the exact opposite of what the experts advise and then just brazenly not give a shit when she's asked about her failures on national TV.

Well, actually Thérèse did give a shit. Lots of shits. Apparently, raw sewage has been dumped every four minutes (equivalent to 4.2 billion litres a year) since she took charge - and I'm pretty sure most of that was just when she opened her mouth.

Thérèse came up with the brilliant idea of saving our lakes from overpopulation by killing all the fish with sludge as toxic as cobra venom, and for an added bonus, she also brought back polio! As you can see, there are clear benefits to England and Wales being the only countries in the world to have privatised our water supplies. Privatisation is brilliant and that's why we're privatising the NHS.

Let's not forget about the spectacular success Thérèse Coffey had as health secretary before handing over the reins to someone called Steve Barclay. I'm not gonna lie, I have no idea who Steve is either, but I can honestly say the NHS is now in brilliant shape, thanks to him and Thérèse.

It's in such good shape, in fact, that journalist George Monbiot (who is definitely not as good a journalist as me) reported of children screaming in agony in the hospital waiting room during his recent trip to A and E. We're being told that emergency care has completely collapsed in the UK, meaning if you have a heart attack or stroke, it's probably tough shit, unfortunately. I've heard stories of pensioners camping in the streets with broken hips, awaiting ambulances for three days because they were too lazy to walk five miles to the hospital.

I would like to remind you this collapse of emergency care, which happened before the NHS strikes, is definitely down to the NHS strikes. It's one of the fundamental laws of the universe that the effect always precedes the cause.

If you're concerned about all of this NHS chaos, please be assured that it's saving the taxpayer a fortune because we're not bothering to spend any money, and at some point in the near future, we're going to hand the NHS over to American companies. You know how privatising our water supply gave us turds on our beaches? Just imagine what it's going to do to our NHS! Pretty soon, poor people are not just going to be depending on charity food, they're also going to need charity healthcare.

With all this excitement, you probably think I'm done here, that I couldn't possibly have anything to cover as notable as the above, but we haven't even got to Suella Braverman yet - the only woman who could've possibly out-evilled Priti Patel as home secretary.

I'm going to be honest with you, I've no idea if Suella Braverman is currently home secretary because she's been sacked from the role like four or five times by now, but she's so good we keep welcoming her back. She truly is an iconic figure.

Remember that time Suella (Cruella to her friends) breached the Official Secrets Act and Ministerial Code, but nobly accepted responsibility for breaking the law and so faced no consequences? This was when she sent fellow MP John Hayes a sensitive document (which was illegal) and then CC'd in his wife (which was doubly illegal) and accidentally sent it to the wrong person (which was triply illegal!) I don't know about you, but I definitely feel safe with this person in charge of our national security. 

Cruella was particularly impressive in how she held up her hands and fully accepted responsibility after repeatedly lying about what she'd done. It was at this point Cruella wrote her resignation letter where she complained about not being allowed to be cruel enough to refugees. Thankfully, she was back like a fortnight later so she could fulfil her inspiring dream of trafficking innocent human beings to Rwanda.

The Tories had such difficulty living up to the basic standards required by the Ministerial Code last year, that they looked desperately into the possibility of scrapping it. This is because rules are supposed to be for poor people.

And this is where we get on to the dismal failure of Boris Johnson. Remember him? He was the unqualified idiot with no discernible talent who we made prime minister because of his buffoon act and then watched in awe as he tried and failed to become a dictator. On the plus side, I had a brief fling with him and I'm not at all bitter that the bastard chose Carrie. 

I honestly can't remember which one of his many failings Johnson resigned for, so if you give me a sec, I'll check and let you know what Google says.

Okay, back now. Google says and I quote:

"That useless nobhead Boris Johnson lost the support of his fellow Tory MPs after embarrassing them one too many times. The final straw came when Johnson promoted a known sex offender who went on to commit more sexual offences. This confused Johnson who had grown up watching his father Stanley beat his mother and grope women under the table. He therefore thought this kind of thing was perfectly normal and couldn't understand why every civilised human being in the UK was disgusted with him. The few who weren't disgusted were really telling on themselves."

So Boris Johnson was an extremely rare example of a Tory failure last year, but sadly he wasn't the only one. There was also that plank Matt Hancock who had previously elevated himself to heroic status in the Tory ranks after clearing care homes of pensioners, reducing the pensions bill by £600 million. But he let himself down by snacking on kangaroo balls and koala dicks so he could start a new career as one of those people who does photoshoots for OK magazine.

Surprisingly, most people weren't willing to forgive Matt for murdering their grandma. Plus, he's not remotely likeable so his celebrity career has failed before it's even started. This is a guy who gets a boner every time he's interviewed by a female journalist and most of us have restraining orders against him.

Now I promise you I did not start this article with the intention of highlighting Tory losers, but unfortunately, Liz Truss has sprung to mind! Oh my god, remember her? She was prime minister for like a day and a half, spent the whole time taking selfies and somehow we're still paying for her!

In defence of Liz, she actually fought a noble battle against the "anti-growth coalition", but it turned out the anti-growth coalition contained everyone apart from her and Kamikwasi Kwarteng. And sadly they crushed Liz and Kamikwasi in about 36 hours. At least I think it was 36 hours, but it was definitely less than the 44 days David Blaine spent in a box above the Thames, and during that time she u-turned so often, she was basically in a constant pirouette.

At least Liz got to blow a £60 billion hole in the economy to do insider trading for whooping hedge fund managers who were swilling champagne with their ties around their heads and leaving trails of cocaine to and from the bathroom. Liz and Kamikwasi forced interest rates up so high, they left millions of working-class people at risk of losing their homes, and to this date, they still have not been arrested. Legends.

Liz's time as prime minister might have resulted in catastrophic failure, but at least she helped dishy Rishi become our fourth unelected prime minister in a row, proving conclusively we have the greatest democracy on earth.

During Rishi's time in charge, we have seen energy bills going through the roof because the Tory government didn't fancy investing in wind and solar in case it hurt energy companies. It's good to see they have the right priorities.

Children have to wear their big coats indoors and grandparents have to go to warm banks because the government decided switching to renewables would cost £1 trillion. Now that figure might be total bollocks but that's beside the point. Such a move would create 250,000 jobs, solve many of our economic woes, and make energy bills affordable as well as helping something called the "environment", but it would hurt people who donate lots of money to the Tories.

Liz Truss made the sensible move of banning solar farms and it's worrying that Rishi seems to be wavering on this because we seriously don't want to do the right thing. A treasonous Shell CEO even called for a windfall tax on energy companies, but you will be pleased to know he has now been exiled to Rwanda. Liz would have hanged him for less.

Instead of taking meaningful action on the climate crisis, the government is sensibly forcing poor people to use less energy, which is ironic because not long ago we were bringing back inefficient light bulbs, thanks to Brexit. We were told they were the best thing since blue passports! Remember that?

Now 2022 was definitely a good year for impoverishing the working class, but let's not forget some bad things happened too. For example, Putin started a terrible war in Ukraine, prompting us to welcome the only refugees we've ever pretended to care about. This was a confusing time for Cruella Braverman who was torn between using those refugees as political capital and sending them to Rwanda. Her eye twitches every time she thinks about this.

Now this terrible war may be costing countless lives and may have forced us to be nice to refugees for a few weeks, but it provided the perfect opportunity to pin every Tory failing on Putin. Meghan Markle and Jeremy Corbyn were breathing a huge sigh of relief, I can tell you.

But that monster Meghan doesn't get off scot-free. She ruined the platinum jubilee in the last year of our Queen's life by being mixed race and married to one of our princes. I don't think we can ever forgive Meghan for loving her husband. 

Not long after the jubilee, we were burying our Queen and arresting people for holding up blank pieces of paper or calling Prince Andrew a nonce. The police even courageously beat the shit out of a skinny lad for skateboarding because it's important for the plebs to know their place.

Perhaps the saddest part of the Queen's passing is that we've now been lumbered with Charles as King and I don't think many of us are happy because we didn't even get a vote and we like William better. Obviously, the only proper way to have a monarchy is to let people democratically choose which person from the magic bloodline becomes our head of state until the day they die.

The passing of the Queen made 2022 a year that will forever be marked in the history books, but let's not forget there were a lot of other things going on as well.

Elon Musk was taking over Twitter and announcing he is not cis (congratulations queen!), Nicola Sturgeon was saying she despises the Tories like it's an original thought, Jeremy Clarkson was fantasising about flinging excrement at a naked Meghan Markle, Michael Fabricant was the victim of a terrifying assault that was completely made up, and Mick Lynch was making everyone who interviewed him look like a massive dickhead, although Richard Madeley didn't need any help in that regard. 

Finally and most spectacularly, woodland pixie Greta Thunberg destroyed incel alpha Andrew Tate in a Twitter spat. I swear I heard a Mortal Kombat voice booming "Finish him!" as she ripped out his still-beating heart and shared an image of it with her followers. That girl has no mercy!

Imagine telling someone at the start of 2022 that a rich man called Andrew would be arrested for sex trafficking after a pizza incident and it wouldn't be the prince. It's a strange world x

Thank you so much for letting me vent! If you enjoyed this article, you can buy me a coffee below or simply share this article with a friend. It helps me more than you realise x